Sending out a query letter to literary agents, or applying for a job that you desperately want is scary. You pin so much hope on your submission and feel as though you have handed over responsibility for your future happiness. It doesn’t have to feel like that. In my post, 5 Ways to attract what you want into your life I share practical steps on managing feelings when you want something too much.
Maybe, like me, you have been burned before and so are cautious this time around. My third novel is ready to submit to agents. I have had a literary agent in the past and lived through the anxiety and trauma of finding an agent and a publishing contract. It is not for the faint-hearted. This time I am in a good place as:
I am not attaching myself to one particular outcome
I am not looking for validation
I know that I have options and I am in control
I have faith that the right solution will find me so long as I am open to possibilities.
However, despite having done a lot of inner work to reach this healthier state of mind the prospect of seeking an agent and contract is still daunting. When something is important to us, we will always feel some trepidation.
I have enjoyed taking regular runs for many years. When I was in my fifties, I experienced pain in my hips after a run. As a result, I gave up running for a few years. Then, a fitness trainer explained to me that if I prepared properly for a run by stretching and did the same post-run then I would not experience any joint pain. She was right. I am using this analogy to explain how the pain of trying to get a job or an agent can be avoided with proper preparation and after-care.
Before
I successfully self-published my first two novels The Borrowed Boy and Just Bea, receiving great reviews and three awards. However, it is a challenge to reach the audience I would like to attract without a publisher and agent championing me and helping to promote my books. This is why I am going to approach agents and some independent publishers with my new novel.
Before applying for a job, querying agents, or approaching publishers be very clear about what you want, why, and what a good fit would look like.
My goal is for my books to be visible to a wider audience of readers and to increase sales. I want to achieve this so that I can share my stories, engage with readers, and be heard. For me, a good fit with an agent would be one where there is mutual respect, a partnership with both parties listening to the other, an agent who loves and understands what I write.
Just as the wrong job for you can be damaging to your career, so can the wrong agent. It is not a one-way street – you are looking for the right job/agent just as they are looking for the best person to employ/ sign to their list.
Do your research. Now you know your needs and what you are offering, invest time in finding potential agents/jobs that are a good match.
There are several ways you can achieve your goals. Be imaginative and brainstorm other options to get what you need. Getting an agent is not the only, or necessarily the best, outcome for me, it is just one. I have other options:
Find an Independent Publisher to publish novel three and potentially my first two novels.
Enter competitions to attract an agent or publisher.
Rebrand my first two novels with my third and fourth to make them more marketable. This would include changing the covers to make them recognisable for the genre and my brand. Invest in advertising.
I am excited about the third option and have a long-term strategy to promote sales. It is important not to attach ourselves to one particular outcome. This week I read a meme on Instagram God’s plans are greater than our dreams. This spoke to me as in the past I have found this wisdom to be true. I am thankful that I am not the creator of my future because what has unfolded in my life is more than I could have imagined or hoped for.
If an agent rejects our submission, it is because they do not think that we are a good fit. I know my shape and size – I am holding a jigsaw piece up to see where it goes. The agent is another piece of the jigsaw and they too know what they are looking for. It has to be a perfect fit for the author and the agent. That means trial and error before finding a match.
Christos Giakkus Pixabay
During
You have applied for the job or sent out query letters now it is time to wait. You can check your inbox every few minutes or put the time to good use. I will be using the time to do a much-needed revamp of my website. I will also be plotting my next novel. By focusing on the next project, you can save wasted energy worrying about the outcome of your submission. When you get a full manuscript request you will need the distraction of a shiny new project to stop you from imagining every scenario from a harsh and crushing rejection to the opening night of your book to film premier. When The Borrowed Boy was out on submission to publishers, I wrote my next novel, Just Bea.
Focus on other options. You might well get the positive response you are hoping for but there is no harm in thinking ahead and planning the next steps.
My daughter was recently disappointed when, following a lengthy recruitment process, she got the call to say that whilst it was a close thing, she had not got the job. On reflection, my wise daughter had come to a similar conclusion. A few weeks later, she got a call from the same organisation inviting her to apply for another job which they considered a better fit. I am delighted to say that she got this job and much prefers it to the original one.
After
You have had an interview or maybe you have been invited to meet with a prospective agent. Be fully prepared.
Research everything that you can about their organisation and how they work.
Clarify the questions that you will want to ask.
Be clear on what you would be expecting from your future employer/agent.
Consider the terms and conditions that are acceptable to you.
and you will be confident in your decision to accept or not.
If you do not get an offer then you know that you have other options. Do not standstill. Be positive and pro-active in improving your application/submission for next time, network, raise your profile on social media, improve your skills, try new things – a different genre, or short stories. Do not whine and complain on social media. Lick your wounds for one day if you need to but then get back up and out there. A positive, confident employer/author is more attractive and therefore attracts more opportunities than a negative one.
When I was in my thirties, frustrated at my failure to achieve the next step on the career ladder, I remember walking on a pebbly beach. I thought, I am like one of those zillion pebbles, why would an employer pick me? There was so much competition, I felt as though I was invisible and my dreams unachievable.
What I have learned since is that every single pebble on that beach is perfect and unique. Together they are astounding but each and every one of them has a place and purpose. I found my purpose – the perfect job for me but it wasn’t until I relaxed and valued myself that my future found me.
Whether you are applying for jobs, querying agents, or submitting to publishers, there is a lesson to be learnt from those pebbles on the beach.
You are unique and perfect. Take stock of what you have achieved, your skills, your experience. Everything that makes you who you are today – right now. The opportunity you are seeking needs to fit your perfect shape.
Every pebble, shell, and grit of shingle fits perfectly into a whole. The sea smooths rough edges, it carries flotsam in its tide, and welcomes the rivers and streams that flow into its vast ocean. We are part of something bigger.
Nature will find your perfect fit, what you need to evolve and become the person you are meant to be. Your job is to be clear where you are now in your development so that you can recognise the right opportunity when it arises – and it will.
Taken at Isles of Scilly
You are one of a million, but you are also one in a million. Nobody else has your unique combination of skills, knowledge and experience. The job, agent, or publisher that is right for you – the perfect fit, will be drawn to you when you know what you are looking for.
Think of putting together a jigsaw puzzle. At first the mound of jigsaw pieces can feel a bit overwhelming, but when you hold one piece in your hand and really study its form, the exact shape of each side, then it becomes much clearer where that piece fits within the bigger picture.
Just as the sea shapes and moves, your life will unfold in its own time. Keep present and trust the process. Everything happens at the right time. Because nature is perfect and we are part of nature.
For practical guidance on finding the perfect job this link will take you to an earlier blog.
I have just returned from a relaxing break in a woodland lodge. Surrounded by trees, rhododendrons, and wildlife it was easy to switch off. I found myself gazing into space, my mind completely free of thought. A state which normally takes concentrated meditation now felt like a default setting. To be still with no thought can seem counter-productive. No divine inspiration, thunderbolt realisations – not even a new story idea. We drive ourselves in pursuit of achievement, ever faster and more intense, willing our dreams to materialise – believing we have control. Allowing stillness feels counterintuitive – lazy. We are brought up with the belief that hard work brings rewards and success. This is true to a certain extent but it is also important to know when and how to relax and give our minds a break.
With the pandemic, few people have taken a proper holiday and it is something we all need given the stresses of this past year. Escaping to a different setting from our home and familiar environment provides a temporary respite from our worries. We can step off the hamster wheel and take a breath.
Peter Pyw Pixabay
Confined to our homes and the same four walls, books have provided an escape for many. Romcoms set in Italy, Greece, and other exotic locations, have been popular with many new publications this year. Last week, I interviewed author Lizzie Chantree for Castaway Books. Lizzie was a successful entrepreneur when her daughter experienced a life-changing illness she had to close her business. Sitting up most nights, she passed the time by writing. The story she wrote enabled her to escape to sunshine, romance, and friendship. This eventually become her debut novel Babe Driven and was the launch of a very successful career as an author. Her readers must have enjoyed the same feelings of escape that Lizzie did in writing this novel.
I am told by fans of fantasy, that the attraction is in escaping from this world. A writer friend explained how she could only write fantasy. To write stories set in the real world would be difficult for her, as it was a place where she had experienced childhood trauma and writing was a means of escape – a place to explore her thoughts and feelings in a different setting.
Whether it is a holiday or a novel that provides a means of escape, when we relax and shift our perspective, we gain new insights on our inner world. Our mind is relaxed and open to inspiration. We return to our daily life and see things a little differently.
It is a bit like being a sculptor. Up close we cannot see what we are creating, we have to stand back and view our work from different angles.
There are other benefits from taking a holiday. My husband and I, like most families, have seen few other people and spent more time in each other’s company that we would in normal times. However, going away together for a few days meant that we spent quality time together. No phones, or social media – there was no signal in our woodland escape so that made it easier. Relaxed and carefree we were kinder, more considerate to one another, and more attentive.
I did have one epiphany during my four-day break. In the scheme of things our little world is a spec in the universe, and our civilisation has been here for a fraction of time. It made me wonder at my significance and the importance of my dreams and wishes. And then I thought about the magnificent feats of nature: sunrise and sunsets, the magnolia in my garden that flowers for a few weeks of the year but is glorious, so many breath-taking creations – each and every one precious. We are equally special, and when our dreams come to fruition we too will blaze in splendid glory. To let go is not to give in or give up, it is to trust the power of creation and to be secure in the knowledge that our life will flow in the magnificent way that is intended.
So, I too returned from my break with a slightly different perspective on my world.
‘If this doesn’t happen, I don’t know what I’ll do.’
‘If only I got that promotion/job everything would be different.’
‘I just need to find that special someone and I will be happy.’
The drama and passion of these heartfelt pleas are fuelled by the media. We watch films and read books where life is simple. The geeky girl/boy meets someone who loves them just the way that they are, they fall in love and live happily ever after. A woman loses her job, her world is falling apart, but then she writes a book, and all of her financial worries are resolved. Then, there are the talent shows where an awkward-looking boy tells the camera that winning the competition would mean everything to him, and a few series later he is back as the star act, having achieved super-stardom. Real-life doesn’t make good telly and so stories of success, both imaginary and real, are dramatized and we buy into this. I have thought for some time that the romcoms we adore contribute to dissatisfaction in relationships.
Albrecht Fietz Pixabay
1. Focus on what is within your control
Our dream is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. We truly believe that once that one thing we wish for happens our life will be transformed. For many writers, it is getting an agent or a publishing deal. We hold that heartfelt wish so tight, we clench it within our soul, willing it to happen. To relax that hold for one second feels as though we are giving up and reducing our chances of success. Everything depends on that wish coming true.
The thing that we long to happen, or fear will happen doesn’t change our life. There is a blip of happiness or despair, but in the scheme of things, it is a minor disturbance. Think back to the day you got your dream job, got married, or on the downside received a rejection letter from an agent or following an interview. You may have been happy or disappointed for a few days, or weeks but then life happened and soon you had another goal or dream. I can no longer remember my rejection letters or the jobs I didn’t get.
The constant is the life you are living now. Your family and friends, the pleasure that you get from everyday activities, your good health. By focusing on what is beyond our control, changing another person’s behaviour, making someone like you – hire you – sign you, we are neglecting to change the things that we can control. If life carries on as normal after the blip, then we need to invest in making it a good life by appreciating what we have now and making the most of each moment.
Noel Bauza Pixabay
2. Invite new opportunities into your life
This is a lesson that has taken me some time to learn, and I am still learning. When I was forty, I could see only one way to further my career and that was the next step up on the career ladder – a chief executive of a health trust. It had been my goal for years and I had made steady progress up until that point. I was shortlisted again and again but was disappointed when I received the news that I had not been successful and each time a different or conflicting reason – ‘too strategic,’ ‘not strategic enough.’ I didn’t know what to do as this had always been my goal and it felt too early in my career to settle for what I had already achieved.
I was in the depths of despair. I felt rejected – unworthy. Not good enough. I was blinded to other opportunities because I was too focused on that one outcome. A wise woman suggested that I was feeling discomfort as the job I had was no longer a good fit for me. Like an ill-fitting shoe, I had outgrown the role. This sparked my imagination and I wrote down all the things I enjoyed and was good at, also the things I didn’t like about my job.
Unsurprisingly, the job I had set my heart on was not a good fit for me either. The result was a specification of my unique combination of skills, expertise, and experience. I used that to evaluate every job advertised within a salary scale that was acceptable. In keeping an open mind, I came across an advertisement that I would never have considered before. I wasn’t even sure what the job description meant, but it was a perfect fit with my personal specification and the employer thought so too because at the end of a two-day selection process I was offered the job. What unfolded from there was better than I could have imagined. I found the perfect career for me as one opportunity led to another.
Through this experience, I learned that my imagination is limited. The universe/God’s vision is greater. When I stopped hanging on tightly to what I thought should happen and opened my heart and mind to possibilities, I was led to the best outcome for me.
Beate Bachmann Pixabay
3. Do not attach yourself to one particular outcome
You may be focused on bagging your dream agent, securing a traditional publishing deal, getting that promotion, or your ideal job and I wish you success. Keep working towards your goal and hopefully, your wish will come true. However, too narrow a focus might be blinding you to other opportunities.
Try brainstorming all of the options. Be imaginative and open yourself up to the infinite possibilities for your success. Instead of focusing on one agent, try approaching several. Visualise offers coming in from four or more so that you have to choose. Submit to independent publishers. Enter novel writing competitions. Scatter these seeds of possibility and you may be surprised by what grows.
Your future is waiting for you. It could be brighter and bigger than anything you have imagined, but you need to open your heart and mind to new possibilities and trust that what is right for you will find you.
Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke Pixabay
4. Open your heart
I know what it feels like to want something too much. It is a tightly clenched fist in the solar plexus, a lump of longing that takes up all the room in your heart. You are afraid to release your grip. As though holding tight to that dream will make it come true, and if you release your grip, it will lessen your chances of success. I have learned that this is not true and by wanting something too much we are driving away the very thing that we want.
We have all heard the stories of a couple who conceive when they have stopped trying for a baby, the girlfriend who meets the love of her life after resigning herself to a future of singledom, the job offers that flood in when you have decided to become self-employed.
When we are desperate for something we become tense. There is a physiological reaction that may lead to symptoms of stress, for me it is eczema and migraines. We become so focused that we have tunnel vision and miss the bigger picture. A tense, intense person, who is desperate for something, is not attractive and can repel the person that they want to attract.
If you are in a furniture store and a sales assistant working for commission pursues you relentlessly, advising you of the features of every sofa you show a vague interest in, I suspect that like me, you will decide to visit another day or go to a different store where you won’t be hounded into buying something.
Many years ago, I had a friend who following a divorce was desperate to find another man. This friend was young, attractive, and clever. She had a great job and was financially independent. She threw herself into the dating world with gusto, joining online dating agencies and requesting blind dates. I tried introducing her to eligible men but her desperation scared them off. Sadly, none of her would-be partners wanted a second date.
I am extremely embarrassed to confess that when I started out as a management consultant, I stepped out of a meeting to run after someone who I thought might be interested in hiring me. I cringe when I remember this. At that time, I was terrified that I would not attract any clients and, of course, I didn’t. When I relaxed and went with the flow, I had plenty of work. The more work I had, the more I was offered.
When we are relaxed and content, we are open to new possibilities. We notice opportunities because we have an open mind and are more susceptible to ideas that come into our orbit. People are drawn to us because we radiate positivity.
I know it is hard to let go of longing. Keep hold of your dream but try to gently release your grip. Imagine that knot of tension, softening. Breathing exercises and meditation can help with this. When I am meditating, I imagine a lotus flower opening up to the sun. It takes practice but you can relax your hold.
Jplenio Pixabay
5. Trust the journey
I believe that our purpose is an idea that is sown like a seed in our heart. Our wish to be a writer, an artist, a chef, an acrobat is intense because we are driven to achieve our life purpose. But just as the seed has been sown, trust that your dream will come to fruition. Open yourself up to a greater power. Trust that what you need will come to you. Be relaxed and calm. Because then you will find the golden breadcrumbs that will lead you to your destiny- a chance meeting, an advertisement, an idea that comes from a conversation.
I previously published this post as Wanting Something Too Much Part 1-3. I have combined them here and renamed them so that they are more accessible.
When we have hopes and dreams, we must sow seeds of possibilities. Make them plentiful and cast them wide. Don’t try to double guess which is most likely to take root because you will be surprised. A seed can transform into a spectacular plant in the most unlikely of places.
Whether it is to succeed as an author, a new job, or funding for a project, be aware of the opportunities that come into your orbit and respond. The seeds that you sow might be, entering a competition, writing to a potential funder, using a chance meeting to discuss an idea, joining an association or club.
I remember my line manager, when I worked in a consultancy firm, advising me ‘not to set too many hares running.’ There is some wisdom in this but I would add – at once. I don’t think you can pursue too many opportunities but take the time to give each one your full attention, and to receive feedback so that you learn from each experience. For example, a writer might initially send out eight query letters to agents, depending upon the responses, the next ten letters might be strengthened. Alongside these query letters, the same writer might enter competitions, approach independent publishers, and present their work at writers’ conferences. Don’t hold back because you are invested in a particular outcome.
We sow the seeds of possibility, casting them wide, with hope in our hearts. It is the great creator – God, The Universe, that gives life. What takes root and where is beyond our control. We have no choice but to let go and have faith. Sometimes, it is long after we have sown a seed that it surprises us by blossoming.
I just read a tweet from @HutchinsAuthor
‘My tree peony hasn’t flowered for over 8 years and this spring it is full of buds!’
Author R.A. Hutchins’s Tree Peony Photo by Anne Hutchins
It is human nature that we try and control what comes to us, when, and how. We read into things, believing that we can make sense of patterns to determine what will happen next. How many of us count Magpies, or look for signs, in a desperate bid to claw back some control?
The wondrous reality is this – we cannot even start to fathom the multitude of factors which might come together to bring what we need into our life. In the past few weeks, I experienced two events that led me to write this post. Neither of them was remarkable but they demonstrated to me how the unexpected can happen at any time.
The first event. My local independent bookstore has been selling copies of my debut The Borrowed Boy. When I was writing this novel in 2018 the bookshop owner kindly asked a young Polish man who worked in a neighbouring restaurant if he would help me with my research. He generously agreed and gave up his lunch hour to answer my questions as we sat in the bookshop. Although I wrote down his phone number, he moved back to Poland soon after our interview, the number was unobtainable and I had no way of getting in touch. I mentioned him in the acknowledgements of my book but, as three years had passed and I hadn’t written down my name or told him the title of my novel, I never expected him to come across this. A couple of weeks ago when I popped into the bookshop the owner told me that the Polish boy’s father had been instructed by his son to buy two copies of The Borrowed Boy and to send them to him in Poland. I have no idea how he heard about my book as we have no connections in common that I am aware of.
The second event. I received an email from a woman who remembered me working at her firm as a consultant fifteen years ago. This was not someone who I knew well, she was not a personal friend, or even on the same team. She said that she didn’t use social media but randomly Googled me and saw I had written a couple of novels. We had an email chat and she has since signed up for my newsletter.
As I said, the events themselves are not earthmoving but they taught me a lesson. Things happen beyond our control and awareness – are happening now.
This example is incredible. I heard the lovely Anne Cleves talk at a Frinton Literary Festival a couple of years ago. You may have enjoyed the popular TV series: The Shetland Murder Mysteries, and Vera. When Anne was a little-known author, one of her novels was bought in a charity shop by a person who on the strength of reading the story, and recognising it met a current need in TV, contacted Anne and the rest is history.
Take joy in planting your seeds and look forward to being surprised. Like children waiting for Christmas, it sometimes feels as though it will never come but have faith. I truly believe, ‘Nothing that is for you will pass you by.’
I have brought together four blogs previously published into one guide and updated them with what I have learnt since.
March 2019
It was Lent. My emotions were all over the place and my anxiety levels high. I had been plucked from the slush pile by a leading literary agent the previous year and after months of rewrites and edits, I was either on the brink of stardom or would soon be flung back into the sea. That was how I saw it then. All or nothing. My imagination would run away with me as I envisioned every scenario. It’s what we do as writers.
That day, I made one of the wisest decisions of my life. I committed to meditate every day for the Lent period. It is 2021 and I have continued to practice daily meditation. At first, it stilled my mind and helped me to manage fluctuating emotions, now, two years on I have greater insight, self-awareness, and positivity. My life has transformed. I am sharing my experience and learning with you so that you:
Are happy and fulfilled with where you are right now in your writing journey.
Are excited by the myriad of possible outcomes that will lead to your success.
Recognise and are open to opportunities when they present themselves.
Make full use of your time and energy to learn, grow and fulfil your potential.
Lead the writing life that you dream of.
Pixabay
March 2018
Eight hours after sending a query letter to my dream agent I received this response:
I’ve just read the opening of THE BORROWED BOY as your letter immediately stood out. I am absolutely hooked by your voice and the original premise, and I’d love to read the rest.
Please do send at your earliest convenience – I’ll be waiting on the edge of my seat.
Who wouldn’t be over the moon to get an email like this? I have read excited tweets from writers announcing their joy at getting a full manuscript request. It is something to celebrate indeed but important to keep present and not allow your imagination to run ahead.
I sent my manuscript after reading the whole thing through yet again. A couple of days later I received a response. I have included a few extracts from that email here:
Thank you so much for sending me the full manuscript of THE BORROWED BOY. It is absolutely compelling, one of the best novel openings I have read in a long while with a stand-out premise that really sets this book apart.
Editorially, I do have some thoughts …..
I would love to sign you to my list and work with you editorially, if you would be interested in editing along these lines?
We work extensively editorially with a lot of our authors, to really make sure their books stand out and shine and are snapped up by editors – which this book absolutely deserves. So, I’d love to hear if you might be in tune with these ideas, and whether it’s something we can work on together.
I’ll very much look forward to hearing from you.
Exciting stuff. Of course, I accepted and worked with the agent and editor to get it ready for submission. Each time I sent back a revision that had addressed all of the editorial comments I was hopeful that this was it. I had finally succeeded and was about to be launched as a hot new talent.
So, with an agent and in-house editor’s valued guidance, I wrote and rewrote and rewrote again, each time getting more pages of comments. Then, just before Lent, I received an email that made me think if I didn’t ‘get it right’ this time, then I would have thrown away my one and only opportunity to get published. Terror. I was going to fail.
Physical signs of stress which I hadn’t experienced for a couple of decades returned: eczema, IBS, migraines. I would wake up at three in the morning unable to go back to sleep. Relationships suffered, as I was irritable and over-sensitive.
Pixabay
Learning to let go
Then March 2019
I started with ten minutes of mindful meditation each day. Just keeping my mind from wandering or dropping off to sleep was a challenge. But I found with practice, that for just a few minutes, the constant noise of the voice in my head was silenced. You know how it is, all the what-ifs?
Mindful meditation made me feel grounded and focused, whereas before, my thoughts were skittish, either wildly excited that I was on the brink of success or full of doubt, telling myself that I was a fraud and my agent was probably regretting taking me on. The calm experienced in meditation expanded and I felt back in control.
I realised that no amount of worrying about what might happen would make any difference. It’s crazy how our mind hangs on to something as if things stop happening when we stop willing them to. Accepting that I had no control and letting go was a challenge but those ten-minute meditations helped.
Now
Looking back, I can see that my intuition was telling me that things were not right.
I had invested too much in a particular outcome. I had no control over that outcome but it was just one possibility. My agent had not signed me or met with me. We had not even spoken on the phone. I greatly valued the editorial input but this was not enough. If I had been open to other opportunities and maintained a calm and inquiring mindset, I might have sown other seeds, entered a short story competition, started another novel, networked on social media. Instead, I wasted my energy in a constant state of anxiety and despair.
Photo- Deborah Klée
Learning to be patient
Then April 2019
I sent the next draft of my novel to my agent and tried hard not to stress about her response. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that if this draft of my novel didn’t meet with my agent’s expectation, then we might well be saying goodbye. Although I had been working with this agent for over a year, I still hadn’t signed a contract, met her, or even spoken on the phone, although her in-house editor did have a very helpful phone conversation with me early on in the process. This agent is one of the best, many of the authors she represents are international bestsellers. Her agency was growing and changing. It’s no wonder that she could spare me little time and was slow in replying to emails.
Writer friends cautioned me but I was willing to accept these terms as I was gaining a lot from the editorial comments on each draft of my manuscript. In my head, I likened it to dating. The same feelings of excitement and apprehension as I waited impatiently for her reply.
Now
I realise that I was looking outside of myself for affirmation that I was good enough. I had invested this agent, who I hadn’t even met, with responsibility for my happiness and fulfilment. Only I had that power and I was woefully neglecting myself. Today, I am happy with who I am and where I am in my writing journey right now. Through meditation, I feel real gratitude for all that I have achieved and the myriad of opportunities that are waiting for me. Every day I sow new seeds of possibility through the connections I make, the actions I take, and the conversations I have. There is an abundance of possibilities waiting to happen.
Photo by Deborah Klée
If that one thing would happen – my life would be different.
Then May 2019
I needed meditation more than ever. By now, I had progressed to longer meditations.
Tara Brach www.tarabrach.com generously shares hour-long seminars on meditation practice. I would listen to these whilst ironing or making the evening meal, headphones on. In one of these seminars, she said something that struck a chord with me. I’m sorry but I can’t remember which one it was. Anyway, it was something like this:
We believe that if this one thing would happen, maybe meet the right man/woman, get a promotion, or in my case get published, that everything in our world will be better. We give this monumental importance. Just as we do in fearing something really bad. But, when this ‘thing’ actually happens it’s just a blip up or down in our state of being. Think about it – that job you finally got, getting pregnant, meeting the man or woman of your dreams. Or, the bad stuff, being made redundant, having your manuscript rejected. There’s a short period of euphoria or depression and then life resumes. It doesn’t change everything.
So, when my agent responded in May to say that she loved the changes that I had made to my manuscript and with just a couple of tweaks, she would be excited to send it out to publishing editors, I was of course thrilled. My journal reads, ‘It has finally happened. I have reached a milestone – jumped a hurdle. My novel is to be sent out to publishers and an amazing agent wants to represent me.’ I checked that she really was my agent, just in case I had been deceiving myself, and she confirmed that she was. I told my writer friends on Facebook, did the edits, and sent it back. My agent said that she would send me her marketing strategy and so I waited.
I don’t know whether it was Tara Brach’s influence or my meditation practice but I was very calm. I think as writer’s we take tiny steps. I imagine us all hiking up a mountain, the path curving around and upward, like a spiral. Each step is small, it’s only when you look down that you see just how far you have come.
Maybe, it’s watching or reading about dramas, great personal success stories, that we crave the elation of those dizzying heights. The reality is, change is more often gradual. But that doesn’t make for a sensational story.
Now
By being present I have found joy in everyday things. As a result of lockdowns, we have all learnt to appreciate the things that we once took for granted. When we are impatient for something to happen, we miss what is happening right now – the lessons we need to learn, the actions we need to take today to bring us closer to our goal.
Your B Pixabay
Meditation to help generate new ideas
Then June 2019
Through meditation, I was able to be more productive whilst waiting for responses from my agent. Before I started my meditation challenge, I was just too critical of my work afraid that I didn’t have anything else to offer. Now, with the benefit of meditation, my mind was more open to new ideas.
I found an excellent meditation for creativity and on one occasion, I did it before going to bed. At around four in the morning, I woke up with so many ideas, I jumped out of bed and wrote them down. My second novel came to me so fast I couldn’t stop writing. I forgot to worry about not receiving a publishing plan from my agent. Until July when I prompted her.
Now
That second novel was Just Bea. Meditation has become part of my creative process. Early morning meditation, writing morning pages (Julia Cameron The Artists’ Way), and running all help to stimulate ideas.
Meditations for disappointment
Then, July 2019
If hearing the news that my novel was ready to go out on submission was a high, then it was followed by a low. Apparently, there had not been a great response to ‘the pitch.’ It was going to be a challenge to find a home, as it wasn’t ‘on trend’ right now and editors were being cautious in the current market. This was before the pandemic and I suspect times are even tougher now for debut authors. Meditation came to my rescue again.
Whatever you need meditation to help you with, type it into the YouTube search engine. It’s an amazing resource. I typed in guided meditation for disappointment and found a guided meditation for healing disappointments.
I have used it again and again. It’s very effective.
Now
I have learnt not to attach myself to one particular outcome. It is hard not to but the truth is that we do not know what our path to getting published will look like. Whatever it is it will be right for us and will happen at the right time. I believe this 100% and have absolute faith that what is for me will find me – so long as I am open to receive it.
Jill Wellington – Pixabay
Attracting abundance
Then – August 2019
My agent’s marketing strategy was to first send my novel to one of the big five publishers on an exclusive. This means that they have first refusal, rather than having to bid against other publishing houses.
I overdosed on meditation. Instead of driving myself crazy imagining different scenarios, I meditated with vengeance. I meditated to invite abundance into my life. There are lots of meditations on using gratitude to create abundance, the theory being that when you are thankful for the good things in your life you attract more. I had a lot to be grateful for – my ‘cup over-floweth.’ In fact, I felt as though I already had too much and I was wrong to want more. But I did. I desperately wanted a publishing contract.
Some of the meditations on abundance are about using meditation to create prosperity and wealth. I avoided these at they didn’t sit well with me. I was struggling with my faith as I felt I was being punished for seeking fame and fortune. That I had already had more than my fair share.
Now
I truly believe that we never have too much. We have enormous potential and it is our responsibility to use it to make a difference. I am grateful for the wonderful life I have lived but as long as I am still on this earth I have more to achieve. My heartfelt desire to write and to be read was planted in my heart for a reason. The universe is abundant. My success is not at the expense of another. There is more than enough for everyone to achieve all that they dream of. In fact, we are all interconnected – made of the same stuff. Together we are changing the world – making it a better place.
Photo by Edana Minghella
Trusting the journey
Then- September 2019
It didn’t work. By September, the editor who had my manuscript rejected it and from her comments, I don’t think she could have read it. But there was a plan. My agent resolved to get my novel into the hands of the right editors and proposed a list of thirteen. We waited until after the Frankfurt Book Fair in October. And waited.
I really believed that good things were going to happen for me. I had absolute faith and confidence. When I wobbled, I repeated my mantra, The right thing will happen at the right time in the right way. You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. I had reason to be optimistic, I had a brilliant agent and my manuscript had been sent out to a number of publishers. There was nothing I could do except concentrate on writing my next novel, which was progressing well.
I am a bit of a control freak. This served me well in the past, as I founded two successful businesses but I needed to learn to let go and trust the process. My daily meditations now included ones to help me do just that.
As weeks passed without any news, I managed my anxiety by imagining that I was in a rowing boat. I pulled the oars inside and lay back to allow the boat to take me along the river. When the boat got caught on reeds, I waited patiently knowing that the flow of the river would dislodge us and carry us to the ocean. It was a soothing thought.
‘If we haven’t got an offer by Christmas, we’ll meet to discuss the next steps’, my agent reassured me. So, there were next steps. This wasn’t the end of the journey. Equipped with positive affirmations, I clung to the sides of that little boat and willed the river to carry us onward.
Now
I am truly grateful to that agent for believing in me. She was true to her word and despite having a very full and busy list she brought my MS to the attention of publishers. I wasn’t wrong to have faith in her and to stay the course. However, I did need to do this mindfully and this is what I learnt through meditation. Looking back, I wonder whether this happened for a reason as my experience in 2019 strengthened me. I became more resilient and self-sufficient. I have learnt to be happy and content whilst losing sight of my goals.
Larisha Koshkina – Pixabay
A revelation
Then January 2020
As I waited and meditated, I realised that I hadn’t fully understood the law of abundance. I was using meditation to wish, like a talisman. If I meditate enough, my wishes will be granted. It was no different from the early days, before meditation when I constantly fretted about the future.
Meditation taught me that abundance is about inviting what we need into our life. When we are very still and not distracted by our noisy thoughts, we are more observant of things that come our way: the comment made by a friend, a social media message that attracts our attention, something we thought might come in useful but had forgotten. These are like breadcrumbs that lead us to the right path. When you are curious and open to ideas and opportunities, things start to happen. Meditation helps you to see more clearly, to understand what you truly want, and opens your heart and mind to receive what comes your way.
I started out wanting validation as a writer. By picking out my submission from the hundreds that are sent to her every week, my agent had done just that. The wonderful rejections from top publishing editors that glowed with praise were also validation.
What I truly wanted now was to reach out to readers, in the hope that my stories would have some positive impact. I wanted to connect with readers in a meaningful way. Fame and fortune were never my goals.
Maybe, I was just preparing myself for disappointment but it didn’t feel like that. I didn’t want to rely entirely upon this one agent, who despite her best intentions to serve me, was incredibly stretched as a result of her success and brilliance. How could I be open to new possibilities, if I wasn’t looking around me and making connections?
What next?
Eventually, I was forwarded four rejections. Two of them gave such glowing reviews that for a while I pinned these above my desk. However, the bottom line was, they didn’t know how to market my novel. I didn’t hear anything from the other nine, maybe my agent did but she never said.
I had completed a second novel, which would be appreciated by fans of the first, but I suspected, would have the same problems with marketing.
My agent and I agreed to part company for the time being, so that I could pursue other opportunities to get my two novels published.
Photo – Deborah Klée
Reaping the rewards of meditation
At the start of my meditation journey, I would have been devasted to think I no longer had an agent and was back to square one. It was my biggest fear. Now, it was liberating. I had been set free! No more waiting for responses, waiting to be chosen. I chose ME. And it felt really good.
It was then that things started to happen. New people came into my life to support me, I came across resources and ideas that excited me. I realised then what inviting abundance into my life really meant.
Now
In August 2020 I self-published The Borrowed Boy. It has received three awards to date and great reviews. In February 2021 I self-published Just Bea. I commissioned the same editor who worked with my agent.
As an Indie author entrepreneur, I started a weekly blog and a YouTube channel and Podcast Castaway Books.
I have written a third novel Misdirection and will be submitting it to agents and publishers this summer.
I have loved every moment of my writing life. I’ve met some amazing people through social media and feel as though my world has opened up – and that’s in lockdown!
Daily meditation and journaling are integral to my writing life. I’ll just keep on working, sowing seeds, and trust the creator of all things to give life to those that are meant to be. I am finding joy in all that I do and have stopped feeling anxious about what may or may not happen.
I hope that some of what I have shared speaks to you.
I believe the pandemic has triggered a resurgence in creativity. When the constraints of our lives loosened and we no longer had to adhere to a busy schedule, we found space. Initially, a space where we faced fear, anxiety and confusion. Our worlds tilted and nothing made any sense. Livelihoods were threatened and we were filled with the necessity of finding a different way to be.
Creativity is not just about the arts, an ability to draw, paint, or write. It is about viewing the world from different perspectives, finding hidden connections and meaning, solving problems, and turning our ideas into reality. We are all creative. We are creation.
In these challenging times we need our creativity more than ever. The pandemic has forced us to find new ways to do things and, in some cases, to make a living.
In the past year we have seen choirs and orchestras come together to perform using the internet, extraordinary fundraising activities such as Captain Tom’s sponsored walk, global meditation initiatives, and innovative approaches within communities, and families, to support one another and carry on. This is creativity at work.
Creativity connects us to one another in a meaningful way. It may be an idea that inspires others, or a collective energy as we come together with a common goal.
I have watched as people around me find time to pursue creative hobbies: writing, painting, craft work, sewing. When we become absorbed in a creative activity we relax and the constant chatter in our head is silenced. This stillness is like meditation. It is calming and improves our well-being.
When it feels as though the world does not make any sense, we can connect on a deeper level through our art. In the past year I have engaged for the first time in social media. In the past I was reluctant to use Twitter or Facebook but I have been amazed by the kind, generous, and loving spirits I have encountered. A photograph of a sunset. An inspirational quote. Words of encouragement to a stranger. The message to a person who is afraid and suffering that they are not alone. A few words. An image. Sometimes, I imagine these beautiful souls like glittering diamonds connected in a magnificent web of light encircling our globe.
Pezibear Pixabay
On Sunday morning we changed to British Summer Time in the UK and our clocks went forward. It is interesting that this year my husband and I both woke up an hour earlier in the days before the clocks changed. I wonder whether we have become more in tune with nature in the stillness created by this quieter way of life? It is almost as if the global pandemic has given us a reset.
It is a year since the first lockdown and we have all changed. It has taken me a while to adjust to a different rhythm. To stop railing against what I saw as restrictions and to welcome this time of solitude and reflection. To be still and listen to what is in our heart can be scary. It can expose difficult emotions, and memories. With self-love and compassion, we might be able to acknowledge these and find some peace. I remember a difficult time in my life some years ago. I had been looking forward to taking the whole of August off from work. I had such plans for relaxation and fun activities. It was one of the worst months of my life because when I stopped being busy thoughts and feelings surfaced that I had repressed for many months since the death of my mother. However, that month away from work was exactly what I needed to do the inner work and to put right the things in my life that needed to be addressed.
Across the world we have experienced this time of change and reflection together. There have and will continue to be hardships. We have lost loved ones and a way of life that we treasured. But I believe we have found something else, our creativity, compassion, and resilience. If the world has had a reset, let’s start afresh and use what we have learned to create a better life.
Recently, I had a dream. The ground had fallen away in my garden, exposing the roots of plants and shrubs, and if that wasn’t bad enough, somebody had moved the fence reducing my garden to a fraction of its former size. It is an easy one to translate, given the fear and uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. On a day to day basis, I think I am fine coping with the changes to my life, and I am taking good care of myself and loved ones. My dream tells me otherwise. This is a challenging time for all of us, and we need now more than ever to practice feeling grounded.
In the UK we have just heard that we are to have another full-scale lockdown, following other countries such as France. Although this is not a complete surprise, I understand fully the fatigue and distress this will cause for many people. It is as though we have been running a marathon and just as we think the finishing line is in sight we find out we have miles yet to run.
Everybody’s situation is different. You may be afraid about your future income and paying the mortgage or whether your business will survive. A health professional working at the frontline exhausted from treating patients in the first wave and facing an even harder winter. A single person living alone without the company of work colleagues and friends, concerned for your mental health. Or separated from a loved one who is in a care home wondering whether you will ever see them again. It is tough. It is painful and it is frightening.
The turmoil created by uncertainty and fear makes us unsteady. We find it hard to concentrate, sleep badly, feel panicked, and anxious. I get migraines and eczema, my body’s way of telling me that there is an imbalance in my body that needs attention. This is what it means to feel ungrounded.
To be grounded is to feel connected with your body and/or the earth. It is about being fully present. To have a clear and calm mind. It is difficult at this time, but essential if we are to take care of ourselves and our future. When we have a clear mind, we are more receptive to ideas and opportunities. We are better able to plan and to take control of the things we can influence.
There are practical things that we can do to feel more grounded.
Go for a walk where you can get close to nature. I love to walk in the woods. The smell of leaf mould, rich dark earth soft beneath my feet, and ancient trees, it is a great way to feel connected to the earth and forget for a while about any worries. If you live in an urban area, any green space can offer similar benefits.
Try mindfulness meditation. If this is new to you the HeadSpace app is a good place to start. You can find a 7 day free trial at www.headspace.com The meditations last no longer than ten minutes. With practice, you can learn to still your mind. Even if it is just for one minute, you will start to feel the benefit of regular practice. When I was new to meditation I would find ten minutes each day, even if it meant sitting in my car when I had a short break at work or listening on the train. My blog on Meditation Challenge Part one explains how learning to meditate helped me to feel grounded when experiencing a challenging time in my life.
Exercise. Something that focuses you on your body and stops your mind from wandering. For me this is yoga. There are yoga classes for being grounded on YouTube. Try Yoga with Adrienne. If you don’t enjoy yoga then dancing, Pilates, running, swimming – anything that helps you switch off your thoughts and connect with your body.
Relaxation – using a guided visualisation or listening to calming music. Try to focus inward and ask yourself what you want and need. Then honour yourself with kindness. If you need more sleep, get an early night. Try and reduce the pressure on yourself. In my blog Restore and renew your creative spirit, I suggest how you can enjoy a spa day at home.
To feel grounded, we need a solid foundation. I imagine myself as a tree. My roots go deep into the earth, holding me firm, and my branches reach up, the leaves absorbing energy from the sun. I am strong. I am grounded. This is my mantra and affirmation.
When you feel fatigued and overwhelmed, try thinking about it this way: The experience is making you stronger and more resilient. As you learn how to still your mind and draw on your inner resources you are growing as a person. You are becoming a warrior and will be better equipped to face future challenges.
A mind in turmoil is of little use but a calm mind will help you to spot new opportunities and solutions to problems. Control the things that you can by focusing on what needs to be done, and let go of the things you have no control over.
As this blog is about the inner journey of the creative I will use an example from the writer’s life. You can write and publish a novel to the very best of your ability using all the resources and expertise available to you, but you cannot control who buys your book or what the reviews say. Sure, you can spend time and money on marketing your book but that is all. Despite this, all writers angst about sales and reviews. It can make a writer feel panicked and anxious – sure signs of being ungrounded. Comparing yourself to others – feeling inferior or superior, are signs of being unconnected to your body and true self. Stay grounded. Be consciously present. Focus on the things you can control and let go of those you cannot.
I hope that this helps you to find ways to stay grounded. Keep safe and be kind to yourself.
A period of lockdown seems the ideal time to clear out cupboards and drawers. It is a job that I hate but I always get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I have thrown away things I no longer need and created some order to help me find the things I do need. It must be four or five years ago that I last went meticulously through all of my personal belongings to do a clear out. Since then, I have emptied my parents’ home and so more things have found their way into the eaves of my house, to sort out later. The trouble is, later never comes and every time I open certain doors, everything comes tumbling out.
Clearing the home of a person who has died or is moving permanently into a care home brings into sharp focus the amount of stuff we acquire in a lifetime, most of which we do not need. It is of course much easier to decide what to throw out and what to keep when we are doing this for someone else. We hang onto things because of the memories associated with them because we might one day need this thing, or just because letting go is hard.
As I look in dismay at the disorder of my once organised drawers, cupboards, and the eaves of my house, I cannot help but draw an analogy with the clutter of thoughts that cram my head. Just as physical clutter creates visual stress, mind clutter creates emotional and mental stress. We cannot find what is important because it is lost in our jumble of thoughts. Sometimes we need to declutter the mind so that we have more clarity over what is important to us and can work on letting go of the thoughts that no longer serve us.
Let’s start with the surface clutter: the to-do list, and the distraction of social media. The thoughts that have us darting our attention from one thing to another and achieving very little. Call it our sock drawer!
Make a list of what needs to be done, break it down into tasks for the months, weeks, and days. I have a marketing plan for my novels. There is so much I want to achieve that I have a to-do list that realistically will take months if not years. Every time I find a marketing tip, something that I should do to promote sales, I add it to my long list. Then, I prioritise for the month setting an achievable goal. Each week, I work towards this goal, breaking down the steps. My desk diary has tasks for each day. I stick to this. Every time I think of something else I should/could do, I add it to the long list and return my focus to that day’s tasks. Before I established this discipline, my mind was like a bluebottle buzzing from one thought to another never settling long enough to complete anything.
Socks paired and sorted – time to tackle the knicker drawer. Social media can rob us of time and drain our energy unless we create some order. I turn off notifications when I am working so that I am not distracted by pings and messages. I love spending time chatting with Twitter and Facebook friends but I try to set boundaries around the time spent on this. Scheduling tweets for the week using Buffer helps. Also, a system such as Tweet deck. When I am being very focused I set a timer and interact on Twitter from Tweet deck where I can be intentional in the way that I network. I also indulge in a bit of chatter when relaxing, but I recognise that I am making this choice over other relaxation activities so that it does not become a habit.
Sorting out our drawers is the easy part. Now, we will go a bit deeper and tackle the cupboards. Open the door and thoughts come tumbling out. The constant chatter that replays past events finding fault, and worries about the future. The to-ing and fro-ing from past to future leaves us feeling giddy and ungrounded. We need to be mindful of the present, to still our mind. Exercise helps as we focus on our breath and become aware of the physical sensations in our body. Being close to nature is also good. If you practice mindfulness meditation for a few minutes each day you will soon take back control of these troublesome thoughts.
Now, into the eaves of the house. Maybe you have an attic or basement. It’s where you have stored long-held beliefs and memories. Part of you knows that they are there, waiting for your attention – much like the treasures I brought back from my parents’ house. The thoughts that we feel an attachment to and are reluctant to let go of. Maybe it is a childhood memory. A past hurt or grievance. Or a negative belief about ourselves. Sorting through these thoughts needs time and care. Let’s take one of these thoughts at a time. We will sit quietly where we are comfortable, safe, and cannot be disturbed and then lovingly unwrap the thought. Why have we held onto it for so long? Is it serving us or holding us back? Maybe we thought we would need it one day; how else would we remember not to make the same mistake again? If it is time to let that thought go, do so with compassion for yourself. Meditation has helped me to discover these thoughts and to let them go. I have found Tara Brach’s talks and meditations particularly helpful.
Decluttering the mind is an important part of self-care. Just as our homes can become disorganised, so can our minds. When we spring clean our home, we throw away what we no longer need, and tidy the things that are important to us so that they are easy to find. We feel energised and more in control. The same is true when we manage our thoughts.
As creatives, we are passionate about our art. A desire to share our work with other people can be all-consuming. We drive ourselves harder and harder to succeed. Does this sound familiar?
Writers, artists, musicians and entrepreneurs have some character traits in common. These can be both a blessing and a curse. This blog is about recognising our superpowers as creatives and nurturing them with self-care so that they serve us well.
Creatives are sensitive people. As we regularly tune into the right side of our brain to create, we further develop our intuition.
I suspect that many of us are empaths. An empath is a highly intuitive person, who senses the feelings and emotions of the people around them. We absorb other people’s pain, as we try to ease their suffering.
Creatives are perfectionists. We are self-critical, and that inner critic can sometimes prevent us from expressing our self for fear that our work will not be good enough.
We tend to be good and loyal friends. Our emotional intelligence means that we are often successful in the workplace, and are caring and supportive of our staff.
Our drive to succeed makes us self-starters. As entrepreneurs we put everything into our work, striving to achieve the best we possibly can.
These attributes are amazing superpowers, but they need to be treated with respect, or we risk burn out, writers’ block, feeling overwhelmed, or emotionally and mentally exhausted.
Burnout
A new project gets one hundred percent superpower. We are flying high. For example, you have finished writing a novel. You have self-published and spent weeks marketing it. The steep learning curve has been worth it because you have received fabulous reviews and your friends and family are proud of what you have achieved. Or, you have set up a new business and after months of work, you have launched with a fanfare.
This is when we are most at risk of burn out, if we do not recognise how to look after our superpowers. There is likely to be an adrenalin slump after the work and excitement of a launch. We will be vulnerable to our self-critic when we look at how far we still have to climb, and our energy levels will be low.
I have noticed on social media that a number of creatives are experiencing low energy levels and poor health. It is not surprising as we are trying to adjust to and cope with a pandemic. As empaths, personal stories of heartbreak and loss, and those we hear from friends, and the media affect us deeply. This is another reason why we need to take extra care of our mental and emotional health at this time.
Self-care
If you are anything like me, you will be very good at giving advice to friends, telling them to take care of their emotional and mental health but may fail to look after yourself.
A holiday or a spa day away from home may not be possible, at this time but you can create this at home. Find a day when you are going to be alone for all or part of the day and plan some treats. This will be different for everyone, but this is what my retreat day would include:
A guided meditation for chakra alignment or deep relaxation. There are several on YouTube. I favour Deepak Chopra or The Honest Guys.
Restorative yoga. Again, there are workshops on YouTube, but I subscribe to Core Vitality Yoga, and recommend the virtual retreat, I equip myself with a couple of pillows, a bolster or rolled-up towel, a throw/blanket, a face mask, and soothing oils, for this.
A light lunch made up beforehand. This would include a delicious salad, fresh fruit, and maybe a smoothie.
A walk where you can enjoy nature.
A warm bath with scented oils, and candles. I might put a conditioning mask on my hair, or include other beauty treatments such as a face mask.
Put on comfortable clothes to lounge in and read a book or listen to music.
Manicure and pedicure if you feel inclined.
I have enjoyed a couple of home retreat days like this. It is important that you have a complete break from work and social media on this day. Do not let anything interfere with this special time. I promise you, it will feel good.
On a day to day basis, we can take care of ourselves by slowing down. How many of us obsess about being active on social media? I love my Twitter friends, and because of that, I do not want them to feel pressurised into constantly responding to me. Mindfully monitoring the time that we spend on social media can be beneficial to our emotional and mental wellbeing.
Find time to do things that you enjoy. I have been so intent on getting my debut published that I have neglected other interests: riding my bike, walking in the woods, crafting, and baking. I am going to make time for these things, and when I do engage in them, I will try to be one hundred percent present.
A visualisation
Finally, I will share with you a little visualisation that helps me. I imagine that we are all climbing a mountain. Some travellers are ahead and others behind. When I look down, I am surprised at how far I have come. Small steps each and every day have had an impact. However, I am tired and I still have such a long way to go. I sit at the side of the mountain and rest. The view before me is beautiful. It is momentary – the exact fall of the light, the little bird that has alighted at my side, the flowers in bloom. I rest in the moment.
‘Why do you need to carry that heavy backpack?’ a voice says. ‘Everything you need will be provided.’ And so, I let go of my load.
There is a well of crystal-clear water and I drink my fill. As I rest I help others on their journey. I know that when I need a hand or a word of encouragement there will be others to help me.
As I set off again I feel lighter and restored. Instead of worrying about the climb I enjoy the sun on my back and remember to admire the view.
These are techniques that help me. I hope that by sharing them I have given a hand to you on that mountain path.
This is the third blog on Wanting something too much.
In part one, I described the blip of happiness or despair when the one thing we want, or fear finally happens. Often, it is not life-changing in the way that we have imagined and life resumes. My message is to make sure the life you live now is a good one, and don’t hang all of your hopes on that elusive dream.
In part two, I reflected on outcomes. By attaching too much to one outcome, we can become blinded to other opportunities. When we have an open heart and mind we invite new possibilities into our life and in doing so, find the best outcome for us.
I know what it feels like to want something too much. It is a tightly clenched fist in the solar plexus, a lump of longing that takes up all the room in your heart. You are afraid to release your grip. As though holding tight to that dream will make it come true, and to release your grip will lessen your chances of success. I have learned that this is not true and by wanting something too much we are driving away the very thing that we want.
We have all heard the stories of a couple who conceive when they have stopped trying for a baby, the girlfriend who meets the love of her life after resigning herself to a future of singledom, the job offers that flood in when you have decided to become self-employed.
When we are desperate for something we become tense. There is a physiological reaction that may lead to symptoms of stress, for me it is eczema and migraines. We become so focused that we have tunnel vision and miss the bigger picture. A tense, intense person, who is desperate for something, is not attractive and can repel the person that they want to attract.
If you are in a furniture store and a sales assistant working for commission pursues you relentlessly, advising you of the features of every sofa you show a vague interest in, I suspect that like me, you will decide to visit another day or go to a different store where you won’t be hounded into buying something.
Many years ago, I had a friend who following a divorce was desperate to find another man. This friend was young, attractive, and clever. She had a great job and was financially independent. She threw herself into the dating world with gusto, joining on-line dating agencies and requesting blind dates. I tried introducing her to eligible men but her desperation scared them off. Sadly, none of her would-be partners wanted a second date.
I am extremely embarrassed to confess that when I started out as a management consultant I stepped out of a meeting to run after someone who I thought might be interested in hiring me. I cringe when I remember this. At that time, I was terrified that I would not attract any clients and of course I didn’t. When I relaxed and went with the flow, I had plenty of work. The more work I had, the more I was offered.
When we are relaxed and content we are open to new possibilities. We notice opportunities because we have an open mind and are more susceptible to ideas that come into our orbit. People are drawn to us because we radiate positivity.
I know it is hard to let go of longing. Keep hold of your dream but try to gently release your grip. Imagine that knot of tension, softening. Breathing exercises and meditation can help with this. When I am meditating, I imagine a lotus flower opening up to the sun. It takes practice but you can relax your hold.
I believe that our purpose is an idea that is sown like a seed in our heart. Our wish to be a writer, an artist, a chef, an acrobat is intense because we are driven to achieve our life purpose. But just as the seed has been sown, trust that your dream will come to fruition. Open yourself up to a greater power. Trust that what you need will come to you. Be relaxed and calm. Because then you will find the golden breadcrumbs that will lead you to your destiny- a chance meeting, an advertisement, an idea that comes from a conversation.
I have devoted three blogs to this topic and could write more. Longing for success is the bane of creatives. Learning to attract what we need into our life is an important lesson for all of us.
My heart aches for the creatives who share their heartfelt wish in social media with longing and desperation because I know how it feels to want something so badly.
Changing career
This is a lesson that has taken me some time to learn, and I am still learning. When I was forty, I could see only one way to further my career and that was the next step up on the career ladder – a chief executive of a health trust. It had been my goal for years and I had made steady progress up until that point. I was shortlisted again and again but was disappointed when I received the news that I had not been successful and each time a different or conflicting reason – ‘too strategic,’ ‘not strategic enough.’ I didn’t know what to do as this had always been my goal and it felt too early in my career to settle for what I had already achieved.
I was in the depths of despair. I felt rejected – unworthy. Not good enough. I was blinded to other opportunities because I was too focused on that one outcome. A wise woman suggested that I was feeling discomfort as the job I had was no longer a good fit for me. Like an ill-fitting shoe I had outgrown the role. This sparked my imagination and I wrote down all the things I enjoyed and was good at, also the things I didn’t like about my job.
Unsurprisingly, the job I had set my heart on was not a good fit for me either. The result was a specification of my unique combination of skills, expertise, and experience. I used that to evaluate every job advertised within a salary scale that was acceptable. In keeping an open mind, I came across an advertisement that I would never have considered before. I wasn’t even sure what the job description meant, but it was a perfect fit with my personal specification and the employer thought so too, because at the end of a two-day selection process I was offered the job. What unfolded from there was better than I could have imagined. I found the perfect career for me as one opportunity led to another.
Through this experience, I learned that my imagination is limited. The universe/God’s vision is greater. When I stopped hanging on tightly to what I thought should happen and opened my heart and mind to possibilities, I was led to the best outcome for me.
The best outcome for you
You may be focused on bagging your dream agent, securing a traditional publishing deal, getting that promotion, or your ideal job and I wish you success. Keep working towards your goal and hopefully, your wish will come true. However, too narrow a focus might be blinding you to other opportunities.
Try brainstorming all of the options. Be imaginative and open yourself up to the infinite possibilities for your success. Instead of focusing on one agent, try approaching several. Visualise offers coming in from four or more so that you have to choose. Submit to independent publishers. Enter novel writing competitions. Scatter these seeds of possibility and you may be surprised by what grows.
Your future is waiting for you. It could be brighter and bigger than anything you have imagined, but you need to open your heart and mind to new possibilities and trust that what is right for you will find you.
‘If this doesn’t happen, I don’t know what I’ll do.’
‘If only I got that promotion/job everything would be different.’
‘I just need to find that special someone and I will be happy.’
The drama and passion of these heartfelt pleas are fuelled by the media. We watch films and read books where life is simple. The geeky girl/boy meets someone who loves them just the way that they are, they fall in love and live happily ever after. A woman loses her job, her world is falling apart, but then she writes a book, and all of her financial worries are resolved. Then, there are the talent shows where an awkward looking boy tells the camera that winning the competition would mean everything to him, and a few series later he is back as the star act, having achieved super-stardom. Real-life doesn’t make good telly and so stories of success, both imaginary and real, are dramatized and we buy into this. I have thought for some time that the romcoms we adore contribute to a dissatisfaction in relationships.
Our dream is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. We truly believe that one that one thing we wish for happens our life will be transformed. For many writers, it is getting an agent or a publishing deal. We hold that heartfelt wish so tight, we clench it within our soul, willing it to happen. To relax that hold for one second feels as though we are giving up and reducing our chances of success. Everything depends on that wish coming true.
My writing buddy achieved what seemed to the outside world like an overnight success. I know that she worked hard to develop her writing craft over many years and when success came it was well deserved and well earned. This friend won a novel competition and a couple of years later her internationally best-selling novel was advertised on posters at airports and railway stations. Of course, she was giddy with excitement as she was swept up in a whirlwind of success, but soon life settled back into a routine. ‘I am often asked how I feel about my success, and that it must have changed my life beyond recognition,’ she told me, ‘but it hasn’t. Not really. I was happy before and I’m happy now. Apart from being able to earn a living doing something I love, nothing much has changed.’
I have another friend who was over-joyed to be signed by her ‘dream’ literary agent certain that this was it – her passport to the glittery world of becoming a published author. Fourteen months later, she is still waiting for her agent to find a publisher and one heartfelt wish has been replaced with another.
The thing that we long to happen, or fear will happen doesn’t change our life. There is a blip of happiness or despair, but in the scheme of things, it is a minor disturbance. Think back to the day you got your dream job, got married, or on the downside received a rejection letter from an agent or following an interview. You may have been happy or disappointed for a few days, or weeks but then life happened and soon you had another goal or dream. I can no longer remember my rejection letters or the jobs I didn’t get.
The constant is the life you are living now. Your family and friends, the pleasure that you get from everyday activities, your good health. By focusing on what is beyond our control, changing another person’s behaviour, making someone like you – hire you – sign you, we are neglecting to change the things that we can control. If life carries on as normal after the blip, then we need to invest in making it a good life by appreciating what we have now and making the most of each moment.
Saturday 1st August 2020 was the official launch day for my debut The Borrowed Boy, although it has been available in paperback from Amazon since the 1st July – a fortuitous error on my part as I didn’t realise that Amazon do not support pre-orders of Indie print books. Fortuitous, because it resulted in several reviews being posted on Amazon and Goodreads ahead of publication day.
Sending a book out into the world
Sending a book out into the world is a bit like sending your child to school for the first time, allowing them to fend for themselves. As a working mum I didn’t have this experience, it was my husband who took our daughter to school. The first time she went to nursery school for the afternoon, he was a nervous wreck. He sat in an empty pub boring the poor bartender with stories about his amazing child until it was time to collect her. It was the same her first day at school. My husband sat at home worrying about her day – how she would be received, and whether she would be happy – but our daughter just took it in her stride, a confident girl, who was ready to make her mark in a small way, at the beginning of life’s journey.
When our books go out into the world we are like anxious parents waiting to see what impact they might have, whether they will receive good reviews and find readers who love them. First time parents – first time novelists – we have a lot to learn about letting go, but it can only get easier with practice.
Investment of time, resources, and patience
What is important is that we continue to invest time, resources, and patience in sharing our creativity with the world. You wouldn’t invest your time raising a child with gentle, loving care and then leave it to its own devices. Neither would you send your child into the world without first preparing it for this adventure. Indie authors, authors who choose to self-publish rather than following the traditional route to publication, sometimes fail to invest in the publication, launch, and marketing of their novel, despite the huge commitment and dedication they have put into its creation. This saddens me, as I hear the disappointment and heartbreak of authors who have written worthy novels but their dreams of success are thwarted through a lack of sales.
Readers complete the loop of creation
The creation of art is a two-way process. The artist creates but the creation is completed by the responses of an audience. Art is a conversation that enables both writer and reader to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their world. The wonderful Rachel Joyce visited our local book club at the independent bookshop, Caxton’s of Frinton-on-Sea. When she was asked about some of the themes in her new novel Miss Benson’s Beetle, Joyce said, ‘It is only when I get the responses of readers that I truly understand the themes in my books.’ It is as though readers hold a mirror up to our soul so that we can see more clearly what was in our heart. The need for an author to have a readership is about more than financial reward.
What is stopping you from investing in yourself?
As artists we create, but all too often we send our work out into the world without investing in its success. The reasons a writer might give are:
I can’t afford- a professional website, a cover designer, an editor, advertising etc.
I don’t do social-media.
I’m a creative not a business person.
I don’t have the time to spend on marketing, it’s hard enough finding time to write.
I don’t like promoting myself, I’m too modest, too shy, an introvert.
I get it. I have felt, and continue to feel all of these things. But, I’ll go back to my analogy. You wouldn’t send a child off into the world without first doing a good job in preparing it and neither would you stop investing time, money and patience in it’s future. As creatives, I think we have to ask ourselves really honestly – what is stopping me from investing in my future as a writer? Maybe we use these excuses because of:
A fear of failure
Not really believing in our talent – imposter syndrome
Not thinking ourselves worthy of a financial investment, because we are not ‘good enough.’
Honouring your inner artist
I am doing some internal work myself as I have a mental battle with the recognition that I need to invest more money in things such as my website and learning new skills, and an inner voice (a goblin) that tells me, I have already invested financially in publishing a book – what if I never make back that money? What if it is a foolish, vanity project? Am I good enough? Fortunately, I have a mentor who is there to remind me that sometimes things feel uncomfortable, but I have to take chances if I am to grow. I believe in myself and I believe that my creativity deserves the investment of my time, money and patience. As the advert says Because I am worth it.
Are you honouring the artist within? Are you giving your creativity the best possible chance of success? What is truly holding you back? What sacrifices are you prepared to make – time, money spent on other things? What changes can you make today to increase your chances of success? Can you plan a way ahead to give yourself the future that you deserve?
The blog tour
I sent The Borrowed Boy into the world with a fanfare. The amazing Rachel of Rachel’s Random Resourcesorganised a blog tour for me at a very modest cost. This resulted in 34 highly regarded book-bloggers hosting me on their site over the course of this week. A blog tour combines book reviews, guest blogs and interviews with the author. A huge thank you to all of the book bloggers who took part and to Rachel for an excellent and professionally managed tour – I cannot recommend her services highly enough.
When I was a young occupational therapy student studying psychology, I was delighted by the word cognitive dissonance and it’s meaning. In simple terms, it’s when you are not sure that you are doing the right thing and so you balance reasoning in favour of the action you have taken. Like convincing yourself that the dress you bought was a good buy because although it doesn’t fit right now, it will when you lose that additional weight, and it was half price in the sale. It’s human nature that we always want to be right. In our quest to be right, our brains work overtime coming up with all the reasons that we are doing the right thing, even when our gut says we aren’t.
Head or heart
In my blog Meditation challenge part two, I was working with a leading literary agent to get my novel ready for submission to publishers. There are other times in my life where I have been led by my thoughts and not my heart, but I am going to use this example as I have learned something from the experience, that I would like to share.
I can put my finger on the date when I should have paused and taken stock. It was my birthday and I was out having lunch with a girlfriend when the email I had been waiting for showed up on my phone. Two weeks prior to this, I had submitted my edited manuscript to my agent. I was excited, as I believed I had responded to all of the points raised, and I was really pleased with what I had accomplished. This email was going to be BIG. She would love it! What if she didn’t? My hands trembled as I opened the message. It was a holding email; my agent was busy and would get back to me in a month. In fact, it was four months before I got a response.
Thoughts are just thoughts
Our thoughts can drive us crazy, as we use them to try and make sense of our world – confirming our worst fears or imagining the reality we want to believe. Thoughts are not the reality, they are just thoughts. My thoughts at that time were: this is my only opportunity. Everything hangs on this agent’s response. When I didn’t hear back, I assumed the worst. I judged myself and started to lose confidence in my writing ability. My thoughts imprisoned me in a false reality.
Psychology tells us that our thoughts are not always rational. I got stuck in a loop where my thoughts resulted in a fear of failure. My emotional response to perceived reality triggered further irrational thoughts. If only I could have broken that cycle by realising that they were just my thoughts.
We always have choices
A good friend suggested to me that by not meeting with me or getting me to sign a contract, my agent was avoiding any attachment so that she could more easily drop me if we didn’t get a publishing contract. I didn’t disagree, all that my friend said was true. I was acting with my eyes open. However, this is where cognitive dissonance came in as I convinced myself that I didn’t have a choice. I reasoned that it didn’t matter because my agent was going to bring my manuscript to the attention of top publishers. She had an amazing reputation and I was lucky to have her representing me. I had nothing to lose. Besides, what if nobody else wants to represent me? a little voice in my head whispered. I didn’t think I had much choice.
Feeling stuck
So often, we get stuck in a situation that is not serving us well, but we convince ourselves that there is no other way.
When we feel stuck it is often because we are believing something that is not true. There is always another way. Sometimes it feels as though there isn’t, but we just have to use our imagination – and that should be easy to us. We are creative people.
Instead of trying to justify our actions or inaction by building a wall of perceived truth, we need to listen to our hearts. My heart was telling me that I wasn’t happy. If I had honoured myself with kindness, and acknowledged that although they felt real, my thoughts were just thoughts not reality, I might have broken free sooner.
Sometimes we knock ourselves out by repeatedly hitting against a wall when all we have to do is walk around it. There is always another way.
Going forward
Looking back, I can understand now that my agent’s success at that time led to changes in her working life that she had not anticipated. When we parted company, she explained that her world had changed significantly since we started working together. I realise now that her lack of communication was no reflection on my writing ability, and wasn’t personal. I had responsibility for myself. There were other options. The editor who was working with me at that time also worked freelance. Since becoming an Indie author, this editor has worked with me on my next novel, and I hope that we will continue to work together.
It was fourteen months after receiving a holding email that signalled a change in my working relationship with my agent that I suggested it might be better for us to part company. I have had no regrets since, but I could have saved myself the misery and self-doubt of my negative thoughts.
Of course, I can still list all of the positives that justify why I stayed with that agent for a year longer than I perhaps should have done. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing. But, I have learned from this experience.
Lessons learned:
When something doesn’t feel right, listen to your heart (gut/intuition)
List the thoughts that are limiting you and then let them go.
When negative thoughts stick, be kind to yourself and allow time to shift your thinking.
Honour yourself with courage and respect, you are responsible for your destiny – nobody else has this power.
When we still our thoughts and listen to our heart, a greater power reveals itself.
Deborah Klee 