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How Uniforms Affect Behaviour

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 4 Comments

Many years ago, I worked as a hospital manager responsible for a big directorate covering wards and community services. I loved being an occupational therapist and had progressed to a general manager as wherever I was in the system, I could see ways to improve it but to do that I had to move higher up in the system. Looking back, I was ill-suited to this post as I hate bureaucracy and hierarchy. My interest was and has always been improving the experiences of people who use health and social care services. I found a better way to achieve this as I explain in my post How to find your perfect job.

Although the experience I am about to share with you happened twenty years ago, the lessons have stayed with me and are relevant today.

The head occupational therapist (OT) was exhausted and badly in need of a holiday but she insisted that she couldn’t take leave because her department was understaffed and the team unable to cope without her. As I was a qualified occupational therapist and my registration to practice was up to date, I suggested that I step in as head of her department for a few days. I had a deputy who could cover for me and I saw an opportunity to get a different perspective on how our directorate was working. 

So, I swapped my suit for an OT uniform and went back to the wards. It was just a different uniform but that day felt as though I was acting in one of those body-swap films. These are the encounters that have stayed with me. They say something about female stereotypes and identity that interest me.

I regularly walked through our wards as a hospital manager. The ward manager would always notice me and find time to have a few words but the other staff and patients rarely paid me any attention. When I stepped onto the same ward dressed in an OT uniform, patients called out, ‘nurse, nurse.’ Hands reached out to me from the beds. I was overwhelmed by the cries from patients in need. There were not enough staff. I wanted to respond to all of the cries for help but I had gone to the ward to assess a patient. As a senior manager, I should have been more aware of the staff shortages. 

As I was walking back to the OT department along a corridor I regularly walked dressed in a suit, a porter clicked his tongue and gave me a suggestive wink. 

Later that day I joined my clinical director on his ward round. My role that day was as an OT and I joined his entourage of junior doctors and students as we discussed each patient at the end of their bed. A male junior doctor was condescending in the way that he spoke to me. I was after all a lowly OT in his opinion. The clinical director corrected him at once, pointing out that he was talking to his directorate manager.

Finally, I waited in the rheumatology out-patients department to pick up some OT referrals. All was going well until one of the consultants realised who I was and went into a rage, claiming I was spying on them.

I was perhaps a little naïve thinking I could just change my role for the day without preparing everyone, and making it clear who I was and why I was there. 

Wearing an OT uniform, I was seen as a caregiver, a porter’s mate – or fancy (I take it that he was being matey and not just flirting), and apparently, I had a perceived place in the medical hierarchy. 

My other uniform, my suit, gave me status, and respect. It also made me an outsider and a threat. 

That day revealed to me the reality of how things worked in our directorate. I wanted to know what was working and where we needed to do things differently. It wasn’t about catching people out. It was about giving them what they needed to do the job in the way that they wanted. 

A comment made by the head OT which I had dismissed as crazy, now made sense to me. She said, ‘When we meet with managers, you are in suits and we are in uniform, so we feel as though we are at a disadvantage.’

The NHS has a culture of hierarchy and there is a distrust between clinicians and managers. Female stereotypes of care-giver, conniving manager, naughty-nurse, or handmaiden put women in boxes. 

Of course, these are snapshots of responses to me when I changed my uniform and took on a different role within an institution. They are striking because of the sharp contrast between the roles, and because I had no time to acclimatise.

However, it makes me think about the uniforms we wear in life and the roles we take on at work and home. Sometimes, we become so attached to a role that we lose sight of who we really are. Labels can define us: our familial relationship to others, our work role, our experience, our condition. 

This blog is a bit different from my usual content but I have been wanting to record this experience for twenty- years. I am interested to hear your thoughts and experiences.

How to stop self-sabotage

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 5 Comments

If you had suggested a year ago that I was self-sabotaging my chances of success in securing a publishing contract I would have denied it vehemently. I had done everything in my power to make that dream come true. I had an agent and my novel went out on submission, there was nothing I could do to influence the outcome. All of that is true. However, I have come to recognise a pattern of self-sabotage when I am striving for the things that I want most in my life. I hope that by sharing this with you I might help you to recognise similar patterns of behaviour in yourself. 

We may not understand why we self-sabotage, but to achieve our dream we don’t have to. We just need to become aware, to observe with compassion, and by fractionally changing our direction of travel – steering that cruise ship one degree East, we can end up in a different place. 

Understanding my behaviour and its impact has been a gradual process. In an earlier blog on How to stay the course and succeed I described how early signs of success and encouragement have led me to overreach in the past – trying to run before I can walk and then throwing up my hands in frustration when things don’t pan out as I had hoped. This is an over-simplification of a complicated thought process but it was the beginning of my growing awareness.

Couleur Pixabay

Is there a goal, an elusive dream, that you have failed to achieve despite doing everything within your power to make it come true? If you are a writer, it may be getting an agent or a publishing contract, but it could be anything: losing weight, finding a loving partner, getting a promotion. For me it has been, getting into OT college (age 18), getting a promotion (age 39), getting a publishing contract (recent years).

Every time that I was bashing myself against an unyielding wall, I thought I knew why things weren’t happening for me. I blamed other people, my circumstances, an unfair system. I would have done anything within my power to achieve my goal and had proved that through my hard work, determination and perseverance, so it had to be out of my control. 

If I had kept an open mind and gently looked inward, not judging myself but with patience and kindness, I might have discovered how some of my behaviours were having a negative impact. These are the patterns I have observed in my behaviour:

Rushing off an application/submission 

Have you pressed send on an important job application, competition entry, or query letter and then regretted being so hasty because you could have done a better job? I do this all of the time. I put it down to being efficient and getting a job done or being an impatient person. Neither of these is completely true. I am meticulous about writing a professional report for work and I am a perfectionist when writing and publishing a novel. So why do I dash off an application/submission when it is so important to me? I am protecting myself from rejection. If I get a negative response, I can say it is because I messed up my application. When we want something too much, we fear disappointment and so we take control – in this case, I was taking control of my failure.

Another move is to say, ‘I don’t know whether I want this job or not.’ I have heard myself and members of my family claim this when applying for a job. The line that follows is, ‘So I won’t be disappointed if I don’t get it.’ We are telling our loved ones please don’t pity me or be disappointed when I’m rejected. We don’t want to let them down. But by going into an interview with this thought, however peripheral, we are sabotaging our chance of success because the lack of interest will be apparent. I have done this myself. I even got the feedback that I was the best candidate on paper but I came over as not wanting the job. 

Thorben Ki Pixabay

Ignoring advice

It is annoying when someone suggests that we do something a different way, or learn new skills to achieve our goal. It means that we are not as ready as we believed ourselves to be. There is a knowledge/skill gap and as we look into what seems to be a gaping hole, we lose confidence. What if we are not good enough? We aren’t that person. We don’t fit. We will be found out. Instead of filling the gap and adapting our approach, we close down. I know that to be commercially successful as an author I need to be more genre-specific. I have spent years denying this and justifying why I can’t make my writing fit into one genre. The result is that whilst I can write books that are well received with great reviews, I will never achieve my dream of reaching a wider audience of readers until I learn to adapt. 

‘I can’t.’ ‘I’ve tried.’ ‘It doesn’t work.’ How often have we cried out in defeat instead of knuckling down and doing the work: Learning a new skill, Trying a different approach? Sometimes we have to take what feels like a step backwards so that we can move forwards. 

When I finished writing the first draft of my first novel, I sent it out to an agent and got a very encouraging response. It was a revise and resubmit letter with pages of comments to inform the rewrite. Instead of doing the work, I abandoned the manuscript and started on a new project. I threw away a golden opportunity. I justified this later by saying at that time  I didn’t understand the implications of this positive and generous response. I misinterpreted it as ‘You are not good enough. Try again.’ This was what I was telling myself not the agent. For some reason, I did not think I deserved to be taken seriously.

There are lots of reasons why we might self-sabotage and our ingenious minds find subtle ways to do this. The good news is that as soon as we become aware of these patterns of behaviour we start to change. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you think that you are self-sabotaging. You are just protecting yourself. Be kind and compassionate to the part of you that believes you are unworthy, is afraid of failing, disappointing others, or feels a bit overwhelmed by the idea of success. 

Sometimes we get stuck in a rut believing that this is all we can have – if we expose ourselves as self- sabotaging then we have to accept that we may have wasted opportunities and that can be painful. I believe that the right thing happens at the right time. It may have taken me longer to get to where I am now but that is because I had to work through those experiences.

Changing my behaviour will not happen overnight but I feel as though my compass has been reset. I am cruising towards my paradise. I just had to change course a fraction. 

My D.I.Y. Spa Day

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 6 Comments

Last year I posted a blog, on how to  Restore and renew your creative spirit. In this blog, I talked about the importance of self-care to prevent burnout and suggested several ways to achieve this including a Spa day at home – given the restrictions of lockdown. 

The right time

This weekend the opportunity for me to enjoy a D.I.Y. spa day presented itself at the perfect time. The perfect time because I was at a low ebb:

  • A recent bereavement
  • A heavy workload
  • Recovering from a migraine and vertigo.

My thoughtful daughter sent me a package of destress goodies for Mother’s Day because she knew that arranging my father’s funeral and other associated matters was taking its toll. This wonderful gift included: Soft fluffy socks, destress bath oil, scented candles, a moisturising face mask, a bottle of Prosecco, and some luxury chocolates. The chocolates did not last long and the Prosecco is waiting until we can invite guests back into our home, but the other goodies were perfect for my spa day.

My yoga teacher was offering a two-hour restorative yoga session live on Zoom Spring Radiance Retreat on Saturday 10th April – so that had to be the day of my D.I.Y. Spa.

An honest account of the day 

I dedicated the whole of my day to self-care and relaxation. It was exactly what I needed. This was yesterday and I am still in the zone. So, in the spirit of continuing to be kind to me, I am writing this week’s blog on my experience, rather than attempting to create something new. This will be an honest account, complete with unflattering photographs. 

The night before, I had a dream about my spa day – I was that excited! In my dream, a couple of dear friends and my daughter turned up to share the day with me and although I was pleased to see them, I was a little disappointed that I did not have the day entirely to myself. 

The morning

7.30 am – I sat at the computer in my nightclothes with a cup of tea and wrote for a couple of hours. Always a great start to the day.

9.30 am – My husband got out of bed – my signal to stop writing and join him for breakfast. We prepared smoked salmon with scrambled eggs and I made a cappuccino. We often enjoy a special breakfast at the weekend. I knew that it would keep me going until late afternoon and I would have time to digest it before restorative yoga at 3 pm.

11.00 am – I went for a walk by the sea, as it is walking distance from my door. Tempting as it is to share a photo of the beach as it was this morning, tide out – an expanse of sand and bright sunshine, it would not be an accurate record. That morning the sky was overcast, there was a bitter wind, and the tide was in. I walked along the Greensward rather than risk coming into close contact with other walkers on the promenade and cut my walk short.

Preparation

Back home. I gathered together all of the things that I might need for my spa day. I felt as though I was a child again setting up an imaginary game. We are fortunate that we have two reception rooms and so I have taken over the front room for yoga, meditation, and Zoom. This is what I thought I might need:

  • A couple of rolled-up towels and fleeces to use as bolsters in yoga
  • Aromatic oils to roll onto my skin
  • Scented candles
  • Eye mask
  • Yoga blocks
  • Cleanser and moisturiser to prepare for head and face massage
  • Moisturising face mask
  • Nail manicure and polish things
  • Laptop – for Zoom classes
  • Kindle 
  • Journal and pen

I used everything except the nail manicure and polish things. In addition, I set up scented candles around the bath, bath destress oil, and matches to light candles.

That all took some time to gather together. I gave strict instructions to MOH not to disturb me and that if anyone phoned, I was not available. I found some Spa music on YouTube and used my phone to play it through the TV.

After a mug of camomile tea – not my usual choice but I thought it would be more calming than a caffeinated drink, I was ready to go.

The afternoon

1.00 pm – Head and face massage. 

I had a recording of a class on yoga facial acupuncture led by my yoga teacher Jocelyne Leach. You can join her virtual classes and sign up for the next virtual restorative yoga retreat here: https://www.facebook.com/corevitalityyoga

However, there are free facial acupuncture demonstrations on YouTube. I found this one:

The head and face massage took an hour and was incredible. I had experienced it once before and remembered that it made me very relaxed and sleepy. It was a great way to start the spa part of my day and did wonders for the last traces of a migraine.

2.00 pm – My daughter had sent me a moisturising face mask by Simple as I have dry and sensitive skin. I had not used this before and didn’t know what to expect. It was a folded, heavily moisturised mask in a sachet. I unfolded it as instructed and placed it over my face. Set my phone for a 15 min alarm and then I lay back and relaxed. The spa music was playing through the TV and by then I truly felt as though I was at a spa.

2.15 pm – Originally, I had planned to have a relaxing bath before restorative yoga but I was so relaxed I didn’t want to rush around. Instead, I reclined my seat and relaxed with a book. I am reading Jo Thomas My lemon Grove Summer perfect escapism.

2.50 pm – I prepared for the restorative yoga class which started at 3 pm. Jocelyne’s Spring Radiance Retreat was excellent. It didn’t finish until 5.15 pm but I have no idea where the two hours went. All of that time was spent in relaxing poses, just being. Unless you experience this yourself, it is hard to imagine just how uplifting and restorative it can be. I had a journal with me but was too relaxed to record anything. I recommend Jocelyne’s restorative yoga classes and retreats but you can also find some shorter classes on YouTube and add a Yoga Nidra class.

The evening

5.30 pm – I was starving. I had intended to prepare a healthy salad but with my bones turned to jelly and not having the inclination to stand I just grabbed some carbohydrates – a sandwich and a bar of chocolate. Next time I will prepare a meal in advance that I just have to microwave. MOH had fended for himself so I didn’t have to concern myself with preparing a family meal. 

6.15 pm – I ran a bath, poured in the destress oil, and lit candles. I don’t know how long I lay there but by the time I got out, dried, and put on my snuggly pyjamas I was totally relaxed.

My evening finished with a Romcom – Notting Hill.

In Summary

Anyone can create a D.I.Y. Spa day. What you include will be personal to you. Make sure you protect your time and space by:

  • Turning off phones and removing batteries from the doorbell, and/or asking others in your home not to disturb you.
  • Avoid all social media – however tempting it is to share a record of what you are doing. 
  • Wear cosy, comfy clothes that do not restrict.
  • Make the space relaxing with candles, music, lighting.

It was the next day – this morning when I went for a run by the sea that I realised some of the benefits. Before my spa day, I was feeling anxious about work and overstretched. Running by the sea I had absolute clarity about my work, ideas for new projects, inspiration for my creative writing, and a feeling of peace and tranquillity.

I won’t wait so long before booking my next D.I.Y. stay-at-home spa day. 

And as promised a very unflattering image. I may use it for this year’s Halloween card.

Scary!

How Creativity Can Change Your Life

/ Deborah Kleé Author / Leave a comment

I believe the pandemic has triggered a resurgence in creativity. When the constraints of our lives loosened and we no longer had to adhere to a busy schedule, we found space. Initially, a space where we faced fear, anxiety and confusion. Our worlds tilted and nothing made any sense. Livelihoods were threatened and we were filled with the necessity of finding a different way to be.

Creativity is not just about the arts, an ability to draw, paint, or write. It is about viewing the world from different perspectives, finding hidden connections and meaning, solving problems, and turning our ideas into reality. We are all creative. We are creation.

In these challenging times we need our creativity more than ever. The pandemic has forced us to find new ways to do things and, in some cases, to make a living. 

In the past year we have seen choirs and orchestras come together to perform using the internet, extraordinary fundraising activities such as Captain Tom’s sponsored walk, global meditation initiatives, and innovative approaches within communities, and families, to support one another and carry on. This is creativity at work.

Creativity connects us to one another in a meaningful way. It may be an idea that inspires others, or a collective energy as we come together with a common goal.

I have watched as people around me find time to pursue creative hobbies: writing, painting, craft work, sewing. When we become absorbed in a creative activity we relax and the constant chatter in our head is silenced. This stillness is like meditation. It is calming and improves our well-being. 

When it feels as though the world does not make any sense, we can connect on a deeper level through our art. In the past year I have engaged for the first time in social media. In the past I was reluctant to use Twitter or Facebook but I have been amazed by the kind, generous, and loving spirits I have encountered. A photograph of a sunset. An inspirational quote. Words of encouragement to a stranger. The message to a person who is afraid and suffering that they are not alone. A few words. An image. Sometimes, I imagine these beautiful souls like glittering diamonds connected in a magnificent web of light encircling our globe.

Pezibear Pixabay

On Sunday morning we changed to British Summer Time in the UK and our clocks went forward. It is interesting that this year my husband and I both woke up an hour earlier in the days before the clocks changed. I wonder whether we have become more in tune with nature in the stillness created by this quieter way of life? It is almost as if the global pandemic has given us a reset. 

It is a year since the first lockdown and we have all changed. It has taken me a while to adjust to a different rhythm. To stop railing against what I saw as restrictions and to welcome this time of solitude and reflection. To be still and listen to what is in our heart can be scary. It can expose difficult emotions, and memories. With self-love and compassion, we might be able to acknowledge these and find some peace. I remember a difficult time in my life some years ago. I had been looking forward to taking the whole of August off from work. I had such plans for relaxation and fun activities. It was one of the worst months of my life because when I stopped being busy thoughts and feelings surfaced that I had repressed for many months since the death of my mother. However, that month away from work was exactly what I needed to do the inner work and to put right the things in my life that needed to be addressed. 

Across the world we have experienced this time of change and reflection together. There have and will continue to be hardships. We have lost loved ones and a way of life that we treasured. But I believe we have found something else, our creativity, compassion, and resilience. If the world has had a reset, let’s start afresh and use what we have learned to create a better life.

Three mindful steps to success as a creative entrepreneur

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 5 Comments

The creative entrepreneur is full of ideas, can find creative solutions to problems and spot gaps in the market. They are self-starters, full of passion and drive. We have a vision of what we want to achieve and go after it like the Road Runner.

The downside of being a creative entrepreneur is our low boredom threshold and impatience to see results. There have been several occasions where I have self-sabotaged my success by allowing my ego to derail me. Fortunately, over-time I have learnt four important lessons.

Self-belief

You need to be your biggest champion and have absolute faith in yourself to succeed. The road to success is tough and you will have many setbacks. Know that you have something special, you have everything that you need to succeed. Each knockback is making you stronger. Believe in yourself. Listen to the negative thoughts, it is your ego trying to protect you from disappointment and failure – but respond from your brave heart, you’ve got this. There is nothing to fear. You can do this. Champion yourself with love and compassion.

Believing in yourself does not mean ignoring any negative feedback or criticism, neither does it mean doing the same thing the same way despite the lack of success. This feedback is precious. It is helping us to become better at what we do. Reframe rejection and/or failure as gifts to help us improve. Road signs if you like to help us find the right path.

To believe in yourself, you first have to know what makes you special and unique. Write down all of the things that you are good at and enjoy – these are usually the same thing as we excel at what we love. Then, the things that you are not good at and prefer not to do. We are all different. It is important to know and understand your strengths so that you can make the most of them, for example, when it comes to developing a marketing strategy and plan. 

I know a successful Indie author who creates beautiful images easily and uses these to promote her blog and books on Pinterest and Instagram. She has a Facebook group and uses images with questions to stimulate discussion. Another successful author uses her love of travel and enthusiasm for independent publishing to connect with readers through podcasts, preferring to talk to her audience. There are so many different ways to market your product you need to find a strategy that uses your strengths and that you will enjoy.

Mimzy-Pixabay

Comparing to others.

Don’t. This is much easier said than done. Of course, we all compare ourselves and usually find ourselves wanting. We congratulate other creatives on their success, the new book contract, a best-selling debut, getting an agent, or even a full manuscript request. Sometimes, it feels as though everyone else is enjoying a party and you are on the outside banging your fists on a closed door. 

Everybody’s journey to success is different. A writer at a conference I attended said in a pre-dinner speech that an author’s journey to success is a bit like childbirth. You can plan and think you are prepared but how it happens – your unique experience will be nothing like you expect it to be. I remember making a birth plan and watching a soft-focus film of a delivery in ante-natal classes. Needless to say, my experience was completely different as it will be for every single woman who gives birth. Authors will tell you about winning a competition, a chance meeting with an author or publisher, being approached by an indie publisher after self-publishing successfully, achieving success independently – there are as many different journeys as there are authors. What I am trying to say is that your journey to success is unique to you. Comparing where you are to others is pointless because you are on a different path. 

With comparison comes envy. That green goblin that gobbles your soul. Do you find yourself thinking negative thoughts? I don’t mean wishing evil upon the person you envy – although you might have such feelings. The judgements: It’s all very well having a debut best-seller but will they be able to follow it? That publisher is too small to have any impact on sales. I wouldn’t want to churn out fiction like that it can’t be any good. These thoughts are partly to protect ourselves, to diminish the pain of envy – I wouldn’t want that anyway. But they are destructive. When we have negative thoughts about other creatives, we are also harming ourselves. It is the same voice that says, You are no good and will fail. We are all part of the universe, made from the same stuff. The synchronicity that brings fortune to us is dependent upon everything coming together in our favour. We are all dependent on one another. Negative thoughts about other creatives pollute the air we breathe – the life-giving force that should be nourishing us.

Steve Buissinne – Pixabay

Consistency

I started this post by recognising the downside to being a creative, the short attention span. A new project is exciting, the adrenalin rush as you put everything into getting it off the ground. In a big organisation you might be able to hand over the project once it is up and running but many creative entrepreneurs work alone or with a small team of experts. We do not have the resources and/or manpower to trust someone else to implement the big idea whilst we move onto a new one. We also want to see results quickly and can lose patience if they are not immediately apparent. 

I am learning how to refine and systemise approaches so that they are fully embedded. It means paying attention to detail, improving quality and efficiency. It means slowing down and being present – fully focused on the task. 

It is when you have grown tired of writing your blog or recording your YouTube channel that your audience starts to discover you. By giving up too soon you do not allow success to find you. An entrepreneur who is always moving on to the next new thing will miss out on reaping the rewards from their work. 

You won’t always feel like sitting down each week to write your blog, or record your film, especially if that negative voice in your head is telling you: What’s the point? Nobody reads it? Listens to it? But you must because success is about being consistent. Showing up even when you don’t feel like it. 

Mariya- Pixabay

My final message is this – Be joyful and carefree.

We seem to believe that is we are to achieve success we have to suffer in the process. You are doing this – whatever it is – because it is your passion. Fear of failure, self-doubt, and negative thoughts are burdensome. Have absolute faith in yourself. Know that you will achieve all that you dream of and more, and trust the universe to guide you towards that goal. Take pleasure in all of the tasks you commit to. Remember why you chose to do this and be patient. When things are not happening as quickly or in the way that you expect, be curious. Reflect on what you can learn from this moment by being present and grounded. Sometimes we just have to stand still long enough for success to find us.

Understanding Autistic Spectrum Disorder in writing Just Bea

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 5 Comments

When I started writing Just Bea, I did not know that Bea was on the autistic spectrum. I had a clear sense of her personality and character traits, maybe I had drawn her from a number of other women I have encountered over time. However, as I wrote the first three chapters I suspected that this might be the case and so I did some research. 

I discovered that many women are never diagnosed as being on the spectrum. This may be because behaviours are misunderstood in girls as shyness or awkwardness. Girls and young women are generally very good at adapting their behaviour to fit in. I found through my research that young women are experts in pretending not to have autism – camouflaging. By modelling their behaviour on peers, TV personalities, or studying psychology books they learn how to fit in. Dr. Tasha Oswald has published some interesting research on this. 

Women on the autistic spectrum describe feeling fake, not understanding who they are, and the burden of continually trying to fit in.            

Bea has not been diagnosed but we understand something of her experience in chapter two when the boss, Mr. Evans, explains why she is being passed over for promotion.

            ‘What is it that I lack? What should I have done differently? Tell me. I’ll learn.’

            Mr Evans dropped a sugar cube into his tea and stirred. ‘I don’t think that you can learn these things.’ He coughed. ‘Um, maybe…’ He picked up the teaspoon and put it down again. ‘Perhaps you’d like to see our occupational health doctor, get some advice as it were? Maybe see a psychologist?’

            Now Bea was angry. Really angry. This was how it had been at school. The constant referring to something considered missing. As if she needed to be ‘fixed’. When she was younger, Bea found it hard to control the rage that this sparked, but now that she was older and wiser, she understood that it would do her no favours and she was better rising above his thoughtless remark.

I did not want to write a book about autism or write a stereotypical character because I believe many people live with this experience but it does not define who they are. When I recognised Bea in my research of young women on the spectrum, I wanted to write her authentically by understanding the lived experience of these women. 

I understood from my research that women and girls on the spectrum can be manipulated by men because they do not recognise when a man is being creepy or do not understand the social rules of when it is okay to say No. Until Bea meets Ryan she has avoided relationships with men and continues to be cautious.

Bea has difficulty processing information, for example, when Mr. Evans negotiates a career opportunity with her.

Bea’s heart was pounding. There was too much information to process. Evans was talking too quickly and Bea felt as though she was in a runaway car with no brake. Before she could say anything, he continued, ‘Alastair will control the budget. If you need to exceed the allocated fund, you will have to present your case to me. I think that is all, Miss Stevens.’

When you understand that Bea is on the autistic spectrum then the clues will no doubt become obvious; her aversion to the feel of ice on her skin, the way she is distressed by the noise and lights in the hospital, her mother’s overprotectiveness. It doesn’t matter that most readers do not pick up on this because Bea is Bea – she is not a person with autism. There are many women who experience the world as Bea does. Each of us are unique, and so is the way that we experience everyday life.If you have not yet read Just Bea, I hope you are encouraged to do so, and if you have please tell me if you picked up on some of these clues. 

How to find your perfect job

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 12 Comments

In my novel Just Bea, Ryan tells Bea that instead of trying to make herself fit she should find what fits her. 

Bea says to Ryan,

‘…I could at least prepare. Do everything possible to increase my chances of success. And I did. It’s harder for me because it doesn’t come naturally, fitting in.’ 

He replies, 

            ‘Maybe that’s because you’re starting from the wrong place. Take those Jiminy shoes. You didn’t go squeezing your foot into a pair that was too small or make do with ones that were too big? That would be daft. No, you found the right fit for your size and shape.’

The analogy of finding a shoe to fit came from advice I received when I had become stuck in my career. I was restless in my job; it no longer fulfilled me and I wasn’t getting shortlisted for the jobs I thought I ought to be applying for.

Up until my late thirties, my career progression had been linear. I always knew what the next step should be until I reached this stage in my life. I could only see two options: to stay where I was, or in a similar role, feeling frustrated and dissatisfied, or get promoted to the next level and that wasn’t happening.

A wise woman told me that I had outgrown my job and like a badly fitting show it was starting to pinch and rub. That I knew. But how did I fix it?

The advice was the same as Ryan gave Bea, ‘Find your shape and size and then find the job that fits you.’

Chris Kinkel Pixabay

I had tried everything else and was tired of throwing myself against the same wall – applying for jobs with high expectations, then disappointment when I got rejected. I had to find another way and although the advice seemed a bit vague, I decided to give it a go.

There were no instructions or rules so I made my own. I had to start with a clean sheet of paper – no preconceived ideas, a completely open mind. 

I made a list of things that I was good at and enjoyed. For example:

  • Researching what works well and why
  • Problem-solving
  • Mediating
  • Listening to and enabling others
  • Writing

Then I made a list of the things I didn’t enjoy in my current job.

For example:

  • Conflict
  • Internal politics
  • Operational management
  • Bureaucracy
  • Hierarchies

I kept on writing – brainstorming. When pages of paper were covered in lists, diagrams, and swirls I took stock. I had a job specification but I didn’t know whether there was a job that would meet it. The posts I had been applying for certainly didn’t. It was a template – my shape and size. Now I just had to find a job that would be a perfect fit.

The next time I opened my trade journal on the jobs page I didn’t look at the job titles, instead I checked the descriptions and then, if they were a possible, I requested a job specification. If I had not taken this approach then I would never have discovered the perfect job for me. My eyes would have slid past the job advert as I had become 100% focused on what I considered to be the next logical move. 

I had to go through a rigorous selection process but all of the exercises played to my strengths and of course, I was offered the job. It is a job that I loved and it led to many more exciting opportunities. 

There is a lesson for us here. When we hit a brick wall we need to stop and consider why. There is a reason. If we are too focused on one particular outcome then we are blinded to other opportunities and it takes longer for us to find the right path. 

We are unique individuals with our own special gifts. How can we expect others to see what we have to offer if we do not know ourselves? It takes imagination and self-belief to find our right path. Honesty and courage. The alternative is to stay still and be miserable or beat ourselves up by believing we are not good enough.

Whether you are looking for promotion, a change of career, or trying to get published, stop and take stock – recognise your unique contribution and then find the right home. I have done this in my journey to publication and in finding the best way to market my books. I know what I am good at and situations where I do not thrive. Nobody knows you as well as you do. So be kind and nurture yourself. 

How to feel grounded in times of uncertainty

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 7 Comments

Recently, I had a dream. The ground had fallen away in my garden, exposing the roots of plants and shrubs, and if that wasn’t bad enough, somebody had moved the fence reducing my garden to a fraction of its former size. It is an easy one to translate, given the fear and uncertainty surrounding the pandemic. On a day to day basis, I think I am fine coping with the changes to my life, and I am taking good care of myself and loved ones. My dream tells me otherwise. This is a challenging time for all of us, and we need now more than ever to practice feeling grounded.

In the UK we have just heard that we are to have another full-scale lockdown, following other countries such as France. Although this is not a complete surprise, I understand fully the fatigue and distress this will cause for many people. It is as though we have been running a marathon and just as we think the finishing line is in sight we find out we have miles yet to run.

Everybody’s situation is different. You may be afraid about your future income and paying the mortgage or whether your business will survive. A health professional working at the frontline exhausted from treating patients in the first wave and facing an even harder winter. A single person living alone without the company of work colleagues and friends, concerned for your mental health. Or separated from a loved one who is in a care home wondering whether you will ever see them again. It is tough. It is painful and it is frightening. 

The turmoil created by uncertainty and fear makes us unsteady. We find it hard to concentrate, sleep badly, feel panicked, and anxious. I get migraines and eczema, my body’s way of telling me that there is an imbalance in my body that needs attention. This is what it means to feel ungrounded.

Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

To be grounded is to feel connected with your body and/or the earth. It is about being fully present. To have a clear and calm mind. It is difficult at this time, but essential if we are to take care of ourselves and our future. When we have a clear mind, we are more receptive to ideas and opportunities. We are better able to plan and to take control of the things we can influence. 

There are practical things that we can do to feel more grounded.

  • Go for a walk where you can get close to nature. I love to walk in the woods. The smell of leaf mould, rich dark earth soft beneath my feet, and ancient trees, it is a great way to feel connected to the earth and forget for a while about any worries. If you live in an urban area, any green space can offer similar benefits. 
  • Try mindfulness meditation. If this is new to you the HeadSpace app is a good place to start. You can find a 7 day free trial at www.headspace.com The meditations last no longer than ten minutes. With practice, you can learn to still your mind. Even if it is just for one minute, you will start to feel the benefit of regular practice. When I was new to meditation I would find ten minutes each day, even if it meant sitting in my car when I had a short break at work or listening on the train. My blog on Meditation Challenge Part one explains how learning to meditate helped me to feel grounded when experiencing a challenging time in my life.
  • Exercise. Something that focuses you on your body and stops your mind from wandering. For me this is yoga. There are yoga classes for being grounded on YouTube. Try Yoga with Adrienne. If you don’t enjoy yoga then dancing, Pilates, running, swimming – anything that helps you switch off your thoughts and connect with your body.
  • Relaxation – using a guided visualisation or listening to calming music. Try to focus inward and ask yourself what you want and need. Then honour yourself with kindness. If you need more sleep, get an early night. Try and reduce the pressure on yourself. In my blog Restore and renew your creative spirit, I suggest how you can enjoy a spa day at home.

To feel grounded, we need a solid foundation. I imagine myself as a tree. My roots go deep into the earth, holding me firm, and my branches reach up, the leaves absorbing energy from the sun. I am strong. I am grounded. This is my mantra and affirmation. 

When you feel fatigued and overwhelmed, try thinking about it this way: The experience is making you stronger and more resilient. As you learn how to still your mind and draw on your inner resources you are growing as a person. You are becoming a warrior and will be better equipped to face future challenges. 

A mind in turmoil is of little use but a calm mind will help you to spot new opportunities and solutions to problems. Control the things that you can by focusing on what needs to be done, and let go of the things you have no control over. 

As this blog is about the inner journey of the creative I will use an example from the writer’s life. You can write and publish a novel to the very best of your ability using all the resources and expertise available to you, but you cannot control who buys your book or what the reviews say. Sure, you can spend time and money on marketing your book but that is all. Despite this, all writers angst about sales and reviews. It can make a writer feel panicked and anxious – sure signs of being ungrounded. Comparing yourself to others – feeling inferior or superior, are signs of being unconnected to your body and true self. Stay grounded. Be consciously present. Focus on the things you can control and let go of those you cannot.

I hope that this helps you to find ways to stay grounded. Keep safe and be kind to yourself.

Harrods of Knightsbridge -An insider’s view.

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 6 Comments

This week I have invited my good friend Sue Chotipong to write a guest blog. Sue’s stories about her life as a buyer for Harrods inspired Just Bea. Although I used some of the material that she shared to bring authenticity to the fictitious department store of Hartleys there was a wealth of information that I could not include. It had to be featured in a blog and who better to write that blog than my friend Sue.

Before I retired, I was the buyer responsible for Bedding, Towels and Bathshop, which had a combined turnover of about £20 million a year. A very successful and profitable area with experienced, senior sales associates, some of whom had worked in Harrods for over 20 years. Admittedly part of their day was spent in the stockroom area ironing bed linen ready to be displayed on the 20-odd beds in the department ( all super king size! ), and then re-ironing and folding the linen when it came off the beds, to be re-packaged to go back into stock.

The store was experiencing a huge increase in sales, thanks to the massive investment by Mr Al Fayed on new and re-furbished departments, to enhance our offer of the latest exclusive and often limited-edition products – just what our Middle Eastern clients were looking for. Harrods even   extended its opening hours, not closing until 10pm to accommodate their shopping habits back home, as they liked to shop well into the evening.

Many of these were from the wealthy United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia and included the Qatari Royal family, and in fact it was the business group Qatari Holdings that went on to buy the store in 2010. Some of these Arab families had bought second homes in central London and would come to stay for the summer months to escape the extreme heat in their own countries.

Often younger than our traditional clientele, the extremely wealthy young men would even ship their supercars to use in London and they would spend their evenings revving and roaring around Knightsbridge, much to the delight of car enthusiasts, but to the annoyance of the local residents.

Meanwhile, the women would shop. Groups of family and friends would meet and spend the whole day in Harrods, where they could get everything they wanted under one roof. 

Arriving for a coffee, then shopping for luxury fashion brands, handbags, shoes. After having lunch in one of our many restaurants, shopping continued and maybe a treatment or two in the Beauty Salon. 

Sue Chotipong Buyer for Harrods

In the afternoon a group of six or eight women would enter the Linens area. Dressed in their traditional long black robes, you might just catch a glimpse of diamond rings and watches and Swarovski encrusted mobile phone holders. On their feet you would spot the famous red soles of Louboutin shoes. They would generally be followed by their own security men, at a discrete distance. Going back a few years, their security would carry huge amounts of cash to pay for their purchases, but nowadays it is generally card transactions, so the men were mostly used to carry their purchases and keep selfie snappers away from the women. 

In Linens, all 20 beds would be dressed ready for these clients. Having walked around the area, the sales staff, who would have greeted them when they entered, were now keeping a distance until one of the group stopped at a bed. Fortunately, we even had Arabic speaking staff. Like a flash, the sales associate was there. 

“I’ll take that” one would say pointing at a bed. She didn’t mean just the duvet cover set, but everything that was displayed: the sheets, fitted and flat, the duvet cover and maybe six or eight pillowcases, another half a dozen decorative cushions, maybe decorated with designer logos in Swarovski crystals, a fur-trimmed bedcover, a cashmere throw – if we had draped a dressing gown and slippers on the bed, they would take those too – they would then be able to recreate exactly the way the bed was dressed when they returned home. 

This would continue as all the women in the group made their selection, including sets for guest bedrooms and staff quarters (plainer, cheaper options!)  These purchases could add up to many thousands of pounds. The staff, being on commission, could make a lot of money during the summer months and often would choose not to take their holidays during that period so they could reap the rewards of a busy summer. 

One of the perks introduced by Mr. Al Fayed was the Millionaires Club.  It was for the top 100 sales staff in the store, each of whom had taken over a million pounds worth of sales in a year. They were announced at a special cocktail party where Mr. Al Fayed would hand out Gift Vouchers, maybe a watch, (the presents changed each year), free spa treatments, extra staff discount for the year, a pass to allow them to use all store entrances instead of using the staff tunnel, oh, and a trophy!

So, commission was an important perk of the salary package. Based as a percentage of their individual sales, it could be contentious.  Take the watch department. A client would be served by one sales associate who sat him or her down, showed all the options and at the end of the sale, the watch would be boxed and placed in a gorgeous ribbon -tied bag. Job done.

But in some departments, the sale could comprise of dozens of items. Some of the items might have to be taken from display, so would need re-packaging. It could take ages for all the goods to be stacked up on the counter and processed through the till. They might then have to be boxed if being delivered to a hotel. None of this was easy without the help of your colleagues but they would not share in the commission. Of course, it could be reciprocated when your colleague had a big sale and needed your help, or maybe, very unofficially, the salesperson might share some of the money.

I remember a Saturday evening one December. It was the night of the Staff Ball which was being held at the Dorchester Hotel. The staff, especially the ladies, were anxious to leave on time and get dressed and made up ready for their taxi ride to the venue. Well as Sod’s Law would have it, there was a HUGE sale going through and all hands were needed as we helped to strip beds, repackage the sold items, hand item by item to the sales associate to process at the till. There was stock and boxes everywhere and the department was wrecked. (The order was to go to an airport to the client’s private jet). Of course, we all stayed until the job was done.  The staff got to the Ball, and then those who were working on the Sunday had to arrive early the following morning to recover the department, ready for trading at opening time…that’s luxury retailing for you.

How to lift your mood in lockdown

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 5 Comments

We have all experienced those dark days during this pandemic. The days when it feels as though it will go on forever and you mourn all that you have lost. Your independence, freedom, social contact, hugs, travel, and adventure. Many people have lost loved ones and/or their livelihood. We have endured months of this challenging time and like marathon runners, we sometimes hit a wall.

Last week when I popped into the little grocery store on the corner of my road, the owner, an Asian woman who always greets her customers with a smile and kind words, seemed distracted. She wasn’t hearing what I was saying and she was making mistakes. When I asked what was wrong, she told me that she was afraid of the consequences of this third lockdown (in UK) on her, her family, and her business. I reminded her of how well she had managed the last two lockdowns and how we had all relied on her shop.    She said, ‘That was because in the first lockdown we didn’t expect it to last more than two months and so it was easier.’

            I replied, ‘When I’m running and feel as though I can’t run another step, I follow Paula Radcliff’s tip. I tell myself that I just have to run to the next lamppost. That’s easy. Then just one more. Could you think of the lockdown like that? Just get through one week or a month at a time?’ 

            I didn’t think I had offered much comfort but she paused and I could see she was giving this some thought. Each time I pop into the shop she reminds me of what I said and tells me that it did help. So, I am offering it up here as just one little tactic that might help to change your mindset.

When I experience a particularly dark day, I practice gratitude. It is not the gratitude I learnt as a child, ‘Think of all those who are less fortunate than you.’ When we do that it can make us feel guilty for being miserable and that does not help. 

Hans Braxmeier Pixabay

Gratitude, love, and joy generate feelings that lift our spirits. Even when we are feeling low, we can find those emotions. Writers have to do this all of the time. We remember a feeling so that we can describe it accurately and in doing so experience it again from memory. A good writer conveys this to the reader triggering their emotional memory.

On a dark day, this takes a bit of effort but some techniques can help you to go inward and experience feelings of gratitude. 

Imagine yourself as a young teen or older. This younger version of yourself is given a glimpse of your life now- what you have achieved, where you live, the people in your life. How does that feel? I know I would be overwhelmed with gratitude that my life worked out as it did. Take just one thing that you never thought possible that you once desired with all your heart – something that is now part of your life. Feel the gratitude as if you are that younger self looking into the future.

We very quickly take for granted the good things in our life. Last week I noticed that my diamond eternity ring had slipped off my finger without me noticing. I was frantic. The ring represented a special time in my life and was a symbol of a long and happy marriage. As I searched for my ring it felt impossible. It could be anywhere. I kept telling myself it was just a thing, not a person and so I should not be so materialistic but I won’t lie I felt sick. Then, miraculously I found my ring in the wastepaper basket. It slipped off my finger when I was wiping away excess hand cream with a tissue. I said a prayer of thanks. The gratitude for finding my ring was powerful. I held onto that emotion. Think of a time in your life when you were thankful for what felt like a miracle. Or remember a time when you regained full health after a period of illness. We have a deep sense of gratitude but it is fleeting. By remembering how it felt you can generate the uplifting power of that emotion.

Travelling, meeting with friends and family, hugs and kisses, going to the theatre and exhibitions, these are all things that are missing from our lives right now. Instead of mourning the temporary loss of these privileges focus on how lucky we were and are (because they will return to us). Feel the gratitude for these gifts. We may think that we will never take them for granted again but we will. 

I have suggested a few ways in which you can generate a feeling of gratitude on a dark day when you perhaps do not feel that you have anything to feel grateful for. Similar techniques can be used for generating feelings of love and joy. Meditation gurus and yogis believe that these three emotions vibrate on a higher frequency which has a positive impact on our physical, emotional, and mental health. I know that when I practice gratitude in the ways that I have described it is very effective in lightening my mood. 

I hope that you find something here that is of benefit to you. An earlier post Feeling grounded in times of uncertainty may also be of interest.

I did not want my post to be all about me so I saved my news until last. Today 1st February is publication day for my 2nd novel Just Bea. I am extremely grateful to you for reading my books, the writing community for your support, and the amazing book bloggers who work so hard to read and review books so that they can introduce them to new readers. If you would like to join my launch party this week or follow the blog tour then head over to the Just Bea page to find out more.

You can be anything that you want to be – here’s how

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 6 Comments

I always told my daughter you can be anything that you want to be. At three years old she said, ‘I want to be a king and an acrobat.’ Of course, if you could be anything why wish to be a queen, when you could be king? Anyway, this was the explanation she gave me when she was older and I questioned, why a king?

My beautiful daughter is now thirty-one and as you can see from the photo below, she is an accomplished acrobat and much more. She is both King and Queen of her world, and of my heart. 

To make the most of our time on this earth we first need to discover our life purpose. When we find this, it is like unleashing a powerful energy- our life force. Some people call it a passion. It drives us to achieve and can fill us with an unbearable longing – a heartfelt wish, as we strive to fulfil our potential and become our authentic self. 

It is a challenging journey. The vision that we have – to become a King, may feel impossible at first and there will be times when we wonder if we should just give up. That it is too hard. It is hard. My mother always told me that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. When we find the thing that brings us joy – our purpose, then we must honour ourself and our creator by pursuing our dream. 

Self-doubt

The biggest barrier to success is self-doubt. Before we even get started the thought goblins will be telling us that there is no point, that there is too much competition, we can’t afford the specialist equipment, we are too old. Thought goblins will come up with one reason after another. It is their job, they are trying to keep us safe, and avoid the risk of disappointment or failure. Another voice – our heart, will tell us not to give up, that this is our dream. We must follow our heart. Listen to our inner voice.

Creatives will know the power of self-doubt. The fear of failure that can kill an idea before it has a chance to take root.

Above all else believe in yourself. Practice daily affirmations if that helps. I save my best reviews and emails from editors and publishers that tell me I can write, and I read these when I feel my confidence ebb.

Discouragement

Our family and friends might love us dearly, however, when we discover a new passion, and start to realise our potential we change. This can have an effect on our relationships. Partners and close friends might feel uncomfortable with a shift in the status quo and try to hold us back, by feeding our self-doubt or discouraging us. Listen. Be kind and understanding. Reassure. But do not let this deter you from your goal. Your loved ones will adjust in time and if they do not then it is their problem to resolve not yours. 

Competition

There will always be some people who are more and some who are less accomplished than we are. Learn from those who are more skilled and offer assistance to those who are not. When we start looking around to size up the competition, we lose our stride and fall back. Do not compare yourself with others or with other versions of yourself. Keep present. Focus on what you are doing now and strive to make it the best it can be.

photo by Dimitris Vetsikas Pixabay

Dead ends

I recognise these. Twice in my life I have experienced what I perceived to be the way ahead closed to me. These events were of such significance that on both occasions I had dreams portending the need for me to change direction. The first time it was a career change. I was applying for jobs as the Chief Executive of a health trust. I had prepared well and was being championed by influential players. The night before my first interview I dreamt that I could not exit a roundabout as I had intended. I didn’t get the job. The dream recurred each time I went for a similar job. When I re-evaluated what I wanted from my career and looked more widely at the options available to me I found a much better fit. 

The second time I experienced this was a couple of decades later. I was represented by a respected literary agent and my novel was on submission to publishers. Everything was looking rosy and yet I had that same dream again. You guessed it. I did not get a contract. Several months later I self-published my debut and have not looked back. 

When it feels as though the way ahead is blocked, we are being led in another direction. Listen to your intuition. New pathways reveal themselves when we are open to new possibilities.

Perseverance

Never, ever give up. During the most challenging periods of my journey to publication I found inspiration in a couple of films: Eddie the Eagle and Walt before Mickey. 

Michael Edwards, AKA Eddie the Eagle represented Great Britain in the 1988 Winter Olympics Ski Jumping, fulfilling his life long ambition to compete in the Olympics. Edwards was disadvantaged in every way and yet overcame adversity through determination. 

Similarly, Walt Disney in the film Walt before Disney, experienced one knockback after another. He hit an all-time low that would have anyone else throwing in the towel. But not the hero of this film. Walt Disney had absolute faith in his talent and refused to give up no matter what. Like Eddie the Eagle, he finds another way. 

These are exceptions you might say. Their stories have been dramatized for film. This is true but I took from these films the inspiration and motivation to persevere.

Disney may have experienced extreme lows but look at the highs that came after. When you get a set- back look forward to the time when this will be reversed in equal measure!

You can be anything that you want to be. Believe in yourself and follow that dream.

How to find your life purpose

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 11 Comments

When I was a small child I remember saying to my mother in earnest, ‘I don’t know what God wants me to do.’ A teacher must have told a story from the bible which I took to heart. I would have been about seven-years-old. I remember clearly being anxious that I had an important purpose in life but could not recall what it was. My mother made light of my remark as she tucked me up in bed, but that thought stayed with me.

Finding our life-purpose sounds terribly grand and noble, but all it means is discovering who we are meant to be. We each have a unique combination of attributes. The way that we see the world. Our life experience. Talents, knowledge, and networks. Like the seed of a plant, our DNA has within it all that we need to become our unique self.

Imagine your life like a story. There are clues dropped like breadcrumbs; you are not the reader but the protagonist of this story. Have you ever visited a place and had an aha moment as though you recognise its significance? This has happened to me throughout my life, whether it is a place of work or somewhere that I will one day live. The relevance of that spark is not obvious at the time but later when I find myself back there, I realise why I felt a connection. Maybe the same is true of the people that we meet.

Following on with the analogy of our life being like a story, I want to share with you another observation. I believe that when we get to the end of our life and look back, it all makes sense. How we got to where we needed to be. Why things happened as they did. If you are going through a dark period in your life, turn the pages knowing that all will be well.

But I digress. There are other signs for us to follow. When I am deciding whether a job is right for me, I ask myself, does the prospect of this job make my heart sink or sing? I apply this to any big decisions. Trust your heart. When your heart soars you are on the right track.

I was recently asked to address a conference of public sector workers on my transition from working in health and social care to becoming a full-time author. I am sharing with you an extract from my presentation, as these words clarified for me the values that have shaped my life.

My life purpose has been one of championing and enabling people who feel disadvantaged. I spent my career trying to improve people’s experience of care. I chaired boards, wrote national reports, talked with ministers, and in recent years wrote many Safeguarding adult reviews and domestic homicide reviews. My head and heart are filled with the stories of people who have experienced and, in many cases, overcome adversity. In my local and national reports, I strived to give a voice to those people. 

Now I am a full-time author my purpose has not changed. In fact, I feel compelled to release those voices. To give them life and to write them a happy ending. They are still clamouring to be heard and unless I get them down on paper, they will continue to hound me. I don’t write to try and change the world, or to deliver a message. I write because it brings me joy. I hope that the immense pleasure I get from writing my novels is experienced in some way by the reader. If in reading about my protagonists’ lives, I stir some empathy or shine a bit of light that brings hope then I am grateful. 

I have often said in my blogs that a seed is sown in our hearts by our creator for us to nurture to fruition. Like the sap which rises in plants as they prepare for growth in the spring, the idea becomes a passion and drives us on a path to succeed and fulfil our dream/goal. Noticing this energy, what excites us and makes us happy helps us to find direction and purpose. 

Do what you love, because that is what you will be good at, and in turn, you will be successful. 

At seven years old I recognised the importance of finding my purpose in life, even if I did not know what it meant. Every one of us is unique. We each have a valuable contribution to make. Do not compare your path to anyone else’s. Follow your heart and believe in yourself because you are awesome.

Making the most of your time

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 3 Comments

With the year drawing to a close and a new year about to begin, it is often a time of reflection. Of course, 2020 was a year like no other as we experienced a pandemic and our daily lives were much changed. We all got through the year the best that we could. Routines changed. Some activities received more attention and others less.

If you were to draw a pie chart of how you typically spend your time each day, what would it look like? 

I worked on a fourteen-hour day over seven days. The biggest chunk of time is the brown section – quality time spent with my partner (MOH). As I retired from my day job to spend more time with my husband who is twelve years older than me, this is good. Writing novels, marketing my work, and reading are also well represented. My passion is creative writing and so investing time in writing and reading is important to me. However, this honest estimate of how I spend my time does raise some concerns for me. If I had carried out a similar exercise before the pandemic it would have looked very different. There would have been a sizeable chunk of time spent with my father who has Alzheimer’s disease and lives in a nearby care home. Sadly, I am now only permitted to visit him for twenty minutes a week. I have committed myself to write and publish my books this year, but I wonder at what expense of other activities. I value my friends and yet I spend very little time with them. This is partly due to the need for social isolation, but living by the sea there is no reason why I could not have made time to take walks with friends.

Then, there is that other chunk of time mysteriously labelled ‘other leisure’. The time lost in browsing social media or watching TV. I have a cupboard full of crafting projects awaiting my attention but have neglected all interests except for writing.

Cooking is food preparation and baking but also includes housework. I am fortunate that my husband does most of the housework as he was the main homemaker for many years whilst I went out to work.

If you are honest about how you divide your time, does it match your priorities? Are you investing enough time in the things that are important to you? What is missing? Do you need to make any adjustments?

The importance of having varied interests

It is important to have several interests and activities in your life and not to invest all of your time and energy in just one or two. It is that adage Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. This happens too often with people who have no interests outside of work. Retirement comes along and they are bereft. There is nothing else in their life to take its place. Waiting until retirement to develop an interest or hobby is leaving it too late.

Try drawing a grid of nine squares – three across and three down. Write in each square an activity that is important to you – work might be one of those squares. What will you write in the other eight? If any one of these activities is no longer available to you for whatever reason, you have others that can take its place. All too often we rely on one interest to meet all of our needs. When we can no longer engage with this activity because our life circumstances have changed then the loss is great. If we develop several interests, we safeguard against this, and we expand our opportunities and potential for personal growth.

For many years I was completely focused on my career. I commuted into London and worked long days. I loved my work and believed that I didn’t have any time for hobbies or outside interests. I was working as a management consultant and had been very successful, and then came the inevitable famine. My work dried up. I drove myself crazy chasing potential contracts. Fortunately, I had put enough money aside to provide for my family during such a time. When you work for yourself you expect feast or famine. It should have been an opportunity for me to rest and enjoy some well-earned leisure time, but I didn’t have any interests and had not made any effort to become part of my community. Those months of having no work were the best thing that could have happened to me. Once I had relaxed into accepting that work would pick up in its own time, I started to develop interests. I took up oil painting, bell-ringing – which didn’t last but I made some good friends, and I joined a local women’s group. It was also around this time that I enrolled in a creative writing class. I discovered that there was more to life than work and that it was important to make room for friends and other interests.

Apart from the need to lead a balanced life, hobbies enrich our lives:

  • They stop us from working too hard
  • Help to ease us into retirement
  • Bring us into contact with other people, creating new friendships
  • Enable us to relax by losing ourselves in an absorbing activity
  • Make us a more interesting person
  • Learn new transferable skills
  • Can bring in additional income
  • Discover skills we didn’t know that we had.

I rediscovered the pleasure of creative writing, when I joined that class, twenty years ago. Now, I am a full-time author. In addition to writing, I enjoy craftwork. I plan to make a framed miniature, complete a decorative doll I started last year, and knit up some wool I bought into felted bags in the coming weeks. I won’t achieve all of these but I will make more time in my life for varied activities.

And I will definitely find more time to see my friends, within the parameters allowed by social distancing requirements. It has been an unusual year and I long for the days when I can go to exhibitions, visit galleries, travel, and spend time with my family again. In the meantime, I have plenty to keep me occupied and content.

Are there activities that you are going to make more time for in the new year?

Five ways to get what you want

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 2 Comments

Through prayer and meditation, we learn to ask for what we want and need, and teachings tell us that we will receive. But how? You might ask. If only it was that simple. I think it could be that simple; if we learn how to stop putting obstacles in our way. 

There are different sorts of asks and I have described these as three wishes: The Heartfelt wish. The Fairy godmother request, and the one-minute miracle.

The Heartfelt wish

There are the big asks, for example, to become a published author, or to get the career progression we long for. I know all about those longings. The hours spent in meditation and/or prayer, writing in my journal. In my lifetime, I have had three big asks. When I was a teenager, I desperately wanted to train as an occupational therapist. It wasn’t just a career option, to me it was as much a dream as the contestants on a TV talent show seeking fame. I really, really wanted to get accepted for training. As it happens, my application was rejected, as I hadn’t chosen the right options to study at school. I left school without taking my exams, and then a miracle happened because I was called for an entrance exam and interview and got a place as a result of an administrative error. It wouldn’t happen today, but I qualified and worked for twenty years in the NHS.

In my thirties, I was frustrated because my career in hospital management was not progressing in the linear route that I had planned. It took a while before I realised that my destiny was another path, one that brought me greater satisfaction. 

And then, there was my dream to become a published author, and my writer friends know all about the angst of that longing.

Curtesy of Sarah Ritcher Art Instagram

The Fairy godmother request

These are the cries for help when we face an impossible task because we don’t have the skills, time, or money. We all have different skills and knowledge. When we don’t know how to do something there is always somebody who does, but we have to ask. It is not a weakness to ask for help, and most people are glad to assist, so long as it is not always the same person and we reciprocate by helping others. 

A few weeks ago, I was feeling exhausted mentally as I had worked hard on getting my debut The Borrowed Boy published and then preparing my second novel, Just Bea for publication. My cover designer was ready to complete the full cover and needed my blurb for the back of the book. I had written so many versions of this book blurb over the past two years, but I couldn’t get it right. I sent my final attempt to a couple of writer friends, both of them said it needed work. I went to bed feeling overwhelmed by the task as I had nothing left to give. 

The following morning, I opened my emails to find that my wonderful writer friend Ellie Holmes had taken my poor attempt and like Rumpelstiltskin had spun straw into gold. The perfect blurb was waiting on my computer in an email that she sent at around 6 am with a message that it had come to her during the night. What an amazing friend!

Curtesy of Aline Dassel Pixabay

The one-minute miracle.

You know the every day asks: Please let me catch this bus. Let there be a parking place outside the school. My grandmother had rheumatoid arthritis and lived alone in a ground floor flat. She didn’t have any family living close by and depended on care services for meals, getting dressed, etc. My grandmother told me that whenever she needed help with something, she would send up a prayer and within minutes a kind neighbour would happen to drop in as if in answer to her request. The angels appear exactly when needed.

I have experienced a few of these angels myself. In my blog, Life changing decisions I told the story of how a stranger came to my rescue when at nineteen I flew from London to Arizona to surprise a pen friend, forgetting that I only had his PO box number. I found myself in Tucson at 3 am, 80 miles from Bisbee where my friend lived, with no phone number or address. 

I believe there are five rules to getting what you want.

Big or small the same rules apply when asking and receiving.

1. Ask and believe

When you ask for something, whether that is through meditation or prayer to God, the universe, your guardian angel, or whatever power you believe in – have faith. Believe that you have been heard and that your needs will be met.

2. Forget about timing

Your request may not be answered immediately and you may think it never will. Be patient and trust that the timing will be perfect. Not a moment too late or too soon. 

3. Relax and be present

Let go of anxiety and be tranquil knowing that your prayer will be answered. It is only when you are relaxed and calm that you will recognise when it happens.

4. Expect the unexpected

The manifestation of your desire may not be in the way you perceived it to be. Be open to new possibilities however unlikely they might at first seem. 

5. Give thanks

Remember to give thanks. Show your gratitude by helping others. Pay it forward.

I hope that all of your dreams and wishes come true.

How to de-clutter the mind

/ Deborah Kleé Author / 6 Comments

A period of lockdown seems the ideal time to clear out cupboards and drawers. It is a job that I hate but I always get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I have thrown away things I no longer need and created some order to help me find the things I do need. It must be four or five years ago that I last went meticulously through all of my personal belongings to do a clear out. Since then, I have emptied my parents’ home and so more things have found their way into the eaves of my house, to sort out later. The trouble is, later never comes and every time I open certain doors, everything comes tumbling out.

Clearing the home of a person who has died or is moving permanently into a care home brings into sharp focus the amount of stuff we acquire in a lifetime, most of which we do not need. It is of course much easier to decide what to throw out and what to keep when we are doing this for someone else. We hang onto things because of the memories associated with them because we might one day need this thing, or just because letting go is hard.

As I look in dismay at the disorder of my once organised drawers, cupboards, and the eaves of my house, I cannot help but draw an analogy with the clutter of thoughts that cram my head. Just as physical clutter creates visual stress, mind clutter creates emotional and mental stress. We cannot find what is important because it is lost in our jumble of thoughts. Sometimes we need to declutter the mind so that we have more clarity over what is important to us and can work on letting go of the thoughts that no longer serve us.

Let’s start with the surface clutter: the to-do list, and the distraction of social media. The thoughts that have us darting our attention from one thing to another and achieving very little. Call it our sock drawer! 

Make a list of what needs to be done, break it down into tasks for the months, weeks, and days. I have a marketing plan for my novels. There is so much I want to achieve that I have a to-do list that realistically will take months if not years. Every time I find a marketing tip, something that I should do to promote sales, I add it to my long list. Then, I prioritise for the month setting an achievable goal. Each week, I work towards this goal, breaking down the steps. My desk diary has tasks for each day. I stick to this. Every time I think of something else I should/could do, I add it to the long list and return my focus to that day’s tasks. Before I established this discipline, my mind was like a bluebottle buzzing from one thought to another never settling long enough to complete anything. 

Socks paired and sorted – time to tackle the knicker drawer. Social media can rob us of time and drain our energy unless we create some order. I turn off notifications when I am working so that I am not distracted by pings and messages. I love spending time chatting with Twitter and Facebook friends but I try to set boundaries around the time spent on this. Scheduling tweets for the week using Buffer helps. Also, a system such as Tweet deck. When I am being very focused I set a timer and interact on Twitter from Tweet deck where I can be intentional in the way that I network. I also indulge in a bit of chatter when relaxing, but I recognise that I am making this choice over other relaxation activities so that it does not become a habit.

Sorting out our drawers is the easy part. Now, we will go a bit deeper and tackle the cupboards. Open the door and thoughts come tumbling out. The constant chatter that replays past events finding fault, and worries about the future. The to-ing and fro-ing from past to future leaves us feeling giddy and ungrounded. We need to be mindful of the present, to still our mind. Exercise helps as we focus on our breath and become aware of the physical sensations in our body. Being close to nature is also good. If you practice mindfulness meditation for a few minutes each day you will soon take back control of these troublesome thoughts.

Now, into the eaves of the house. Maybe you have an attic or basement. It’s where you have stored long-held beliefs and memories. Part of you knows that they are there, waiting for your attention – much like the treasures I brought back from my parents’ house. The thoughts that we feel an attachment to and are reluctant to let go of. Maybe it is a childhood memory. A past hurt or grievance. Or a negative belief about ourselves. Sorting through these thoughts needs time and care. Let’s take one of these thoughts at a time. We will sit quietly where we are comfortable, safe, and cannot be disturbed and then lovingly unwrap the thought. Why have we held onto it for so long? Is it serving us or holding us back? Maybe we thought we would need it one day; how else would we remember not to make the same mistake again? If it is time to let that thought go, do so with compassion for yourself. Meditation has helped me to discover these thoughts and to let them go. I have found Tara Brach’s talks and meditations particularly helpful. 

Decluttering the mind is an important part of self-care. Just as our homes can become disorganised, so can our minds. When we spring clean our home, we throw away what we no longer need, and tidy the things that are important to us so that they are easy to find. We feel energised and more in control. The same is true when we manage our thoughts.